Juxtapositions and the City

The other day i was very much in the mood for a romantic comedy, one of those very silly ones, that require very little use of the brain, so i reached for my "binder" in which i keep my movie collection and picked "Two Weeks Notice", with Sandra Bullock - who i love - and Hugh Grant - who i don't love but like very much, particularly in this movie. As the movie goes by, one specific scene took me back to a thought i had stuck in my head once while traveling through the countryside of Australia, and one which was never really a stranger to me, for whenever i am flying or even more so when the airplane is approaching its destination, i catch myself lost staring out the window, but never had i realized why, until these two moments came along; first in Australia, and then watching "Two Weeks Notice".

That specific scene in the movie, in which Sandra and Hugh are in a helicopter approaching Manhattan, was what specifically awoke me to that thought that always kept ringing in the back of my head; and that is of an uncontrollable admiration for the image that is created by the view of the city from the distance and these multiple angles created by an airplane as it is descending towards the ground, the beautiful juxtaposition created by different colors, shades, scenery and aspects.

I believe what caught my attention in that scene and made me think of it was the fact that this movie was the first movie entirely shot in New York after "September 11", I remember very vividly that Mayor Giuliani had a special ceremony to thank the entire crew, studio and producers for bringing life and entertainment back into the city. So this scene, in this movie, was particularly important, because it showed for the first time in the big screen, New York city's new sky line, without the World Trade Center twin towers, and it showed that skyline so beautifully and naturally that it made the city look just as alive as it was when those towers were there, standing tall and strong. It is a very quick and simple scene, but it is an important one, it was especially back then, and it showed that life goes on and there can still be beauty in the world.

Now, here is where i really wanted to get to: The juxtaposition. Juxtaposition is a great word on its own, but its meaning is even better, because it offers you the opportunity to look at things in a different light. I remember while driving through the Blue Mountains outside Sydney, of how many different shapes and colors that place had, how beautiful it was to see the shades of green going from the deep valleys to the high peeks of the mountains turning into a blue-ish green in the far layers of hills in the back to then mesh against the brightest and most majestic blue sky i have ever seen in my life, going for miles without having hardly any clouds. It was one of the most beautiful and inspiring things i have ever seen in my life, it was like the mountains sang to me. I also remember though, that when i was arriving back in New York i felt a crazy rush of emotions as i saw the overlapping of the skyscrapers against the river, given a certain angle, and then against the baby blue sky filled with beautifully spread and shiny white clouds, clouds that fit that scenery in perfection.

If you observe really carefully, the city offers so many different types of juxtaposition that you could go crazy. I can observe the layers of buildings, concrete, glass and metal for hours and never get tired; its different shapes and colors, the way the materials reflect one another, how some of the colors go really well together or even how they fail miserably by being side by side. A few years ago, in one of my first trips to New York i went to see a friend's apartment, at the time she lived in a great place at Park Avenue and in one of the balcony's i was floored by what i saw: building after building, behind building and on top of building, not an inch of anything else, no sky, no room for a view, the view was just that, the juxtaposition of the city, you could only see the sky if you looked up, and even then, it would be in a very limited space. That sight, that many people could consider horrendous, i considered beautiful, an invitation to the imagination, and so i took pictures. They weren't the most beautiful buildings, but they went very well together.

There is a Brazilian photographer, Bob Wolfenson, who has taken a series of photographs of just that, the city overlapping itself, the juxtaposition of São Paulo, a city at least twice as big and as populated as New York, and one that offers the same kind of feeling. Bob's work was brilliantly shown in an exhibit that pushed the at times confusing images to their maximum potency and made your eyes blink and focus in confusion and despair, trying to figure out which was what and how could that make any sense. To me, that kind of sensibility and ability to look at something that could be so ugly and turn it into a piece of art that is so overwhelming that makes you change your outlook to life and start admiring every little piece of your day, is a very special gift. Bob did not reinvent the wheel, he simply showed to the viewer another perspective, his perspective on the madness of the city, He showed us that we may be lonely, but we are never alone, most importantly, He showed us that we may be caged in a concrete jungle but we also can be free from it if we allow ourselves to think freely.

In a not so claustrophobic way, there is also the overlapping of the clouds, which when you are in luck and paying enough attention, can also be something quite beautiful. I many times catch myself staring outside the airplane window for hours, because a vastitude of the clouds can be quite an impressive thing too. Clouds go so high and so deep that they almost seem like discolored mountains, grand and pompous, almost like the Blue Mountains of Australia, but with a more heavenly feel. The clouds at times you can see going endlessly for miles, and it looks almost as if you could hop out of the airplane and walk on them.

From above or below juxtaposition is a word that i have welcomed into my life, as it opened my eyes to a much greater world to live in, one where the beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

Ambitions

I remember, when i was twelve years old that the only dream i had was to move to Hollywood and work in the movie industry. I remember following absolutely everything that was Hollywood related; i would buy magazines like Premiere and the long deceased Movieline and eat them up. Vogue, Allure, In Style and Rolling Stone were constant as well, but my only interest in them was their movie content. I wanted to know all about the movies; the directors, the studios, how the movies were made, what the stars thought about their jobs and how they lived their lives. During awards season, all my friends would come to me for information, i loved it, that was definitely the one time of the year when i was the center of attention in my microcosms in the deep south of Brazil. My wildest dream was to have a job in Hollywood, live a good life in a beautiful home, not a mansion, and at least once go to the academy awards. Oh, and let's not forget the most important part: i wanted to live with peace of mind.

I remember that even though i was physically extremely far from the hurlyburly of Hollywood, it seemed very close and possible to me, i never hid from anyone my intentions to leave my country and pursue a life in the United States. Fast forward more than a decade and i have achieved pretty much all my dreams and i could not be happier. What happened though, and that i hadn't expected, was an overwhelming amount of twisted crazy ambitions along the way, ambitions that went overboard and drove me completely off course and made me forget about what i really wanted in life, and above all, it made me forget to be grateful for all the amazing things that i have achieved so far.

What i realized and was so baffled by the other day was that along my path to get where i am, other ambitions came up along the way, they made me lose focus of where i really wanted to get to in my life, they made me disconnect from the person i really aspired to be and the life i wanted to lead. This i realized, is not such a rare phenomenon, i see it in several of my friends and people who surround me, especially in my industry; we work so hard and we are so ambitious that we completely forget why we are doing so and putting ourselves through it all. What are we trying to prove and to whom?

The path that should be filled with joy and happy accomplishments ends up becoming a resentful and stressful dark brick road; no more red tapping shoes for you Dorothy! The reason why it happens in my perspective is mostly because of this extremely competitive world, in which to achieve a position or get a job, we need to meet certain people, act a certain way, dress head to toe in a certain fashion and dazzle people with our powers; be it what it is: charm, ego, anger, relentlessness; you have to use your powers to the maximum levels. What happens here is that we have to achieve so many things and walk so many different paths to get to a certain place, that it is easy to get lost in the maze. Life is a maze, and to get to the core and find the way back what you really need to do is search for peace of mind, serenity, patience and above all, hand your fate over to destiny, or god, or whatever you want to call it; because no matter what happens, the outcome is not necessarily in your hands, and in the maze of life it is extremely important to find the way back to where you began.

I realized, finally, that i have achieved pretty much everything i always wanted, and that whatever comes my way from here on is a bonus, i realized, finally, that i don't need to struggle to get anywhere, all i have to do now is navigate to whatever life is handing me. Some people may not be as fortunate as i am right now, and many people are just as much or even more and don't even realize it, not even when they are told, but i certainly hope that everyone gets to walk to this direction, because i know that everyone is more than able to.

I still don't own the home i always dreamed of, or have the job in the movie industry, but i was able to reconnect with that twelve year old kid, and i was able to feel what i felt back then, and to realize that things don't come out exactly the way we want them to, but the general feeling that surrounds our dream, our idea of a dream, is what we should aim to achieve, and i got that. I can safely say today that i am genuinely happy and satisfied. Whatever comes my way from here on will be a great bonus; and who's to say i won't be able to get  the home i always dreamed of? A house overlooking the water, with lots of whites and browns, a bedroom with a gorgeous bay window where i can sit on and watch the waves crashing against the shore, a gorgeous wood and white marble kitchen with two dogs, a cat and my best friends and family sitting around a fireplace in the winter or out in the garden in the summer, having a great talk and drinking lemonade; that's my home, that is where my heart is, and i already have that; in different proportions and places, but i have that feeling inside my heart and that is all that matters.

There is no ambition that should be greater than the feeling of accomplishment inside your own heart, there is no outside factor that should matter more than what you feel inside, there is no notion presented by the outside world and people around you that should change how you feel and how you live your life. If your heart is filled with love, than why should you keep on struggling to get somewhere else? Just go where life takes you and accept all that is handed to you, with the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful and enjoy the ride, cause it's a great one!

See me in the Morning

I remember up until a couple of months ago I would always tell anyone who wanted to hear that I was not a morning person, I was in fact a person of the night, an owl really, looking for fun, food and someone to "mate" with. The night was my zone, I knew all about it, I knew how to be and where to be, no matter where in the world it was.

I always felt terrible about the morning, I guess as a reflection from my childhood, because I remember having to wake up really early to be taken to my grandparents house as my parents had to leave for work, so my day always started at a very early 6am, at the most. I never got a break, it never stopped being like that, the mornings in fact only became more challenging, and so I developed a pattern, of dreading the mornings and being very lazy and/or angry about having to wake up, either to be dropped at my grandparents house, or to go to swimming classes, or school, or work; the morning had always been a huge pain. The evening however was always fun, the family would all be together, watch movies, eat around the dinner table and always have something to share, and as i grew up it continued to be better: parties with school mates, sleep overs, going to clubs, getting drunk and feeling on top of the world.

Well, I don't know if i have really become a grown up now, or if being a grown up actually has anything to do with it, but things have shifted a little bit. I no longer long for the night and dread the morning, I've been loving and admiring the morning just as much as I would the night. Living in New York particularly, I have realized that there is a certain time, usually around dawn in the winter and right after it in the summer when the city is particularly quiet and serene. I don't know how many people have taken the time and had the opportunity to do this, but follow my advice; take a stroll through New York between 6:30am and 7:30am; you will see and feel the city like never before.

Because night life pretty much dies at 4am and the day life usually starts after 8:30am, there is this window of time, where everything has been cleaned and rearranged for the next day, when the city is just waiting for the next day to begin, and everything is perfectly quiet and in place. Union Square feels like an empty movie set, impeccable, Madison Square Park and its beautiful foliage seems proud of existing, the streets of Greenwich Village have an inexplicable glow and midtown, more precisely Times Square, looks like a postcard picture, minus the people, the smell of garbage, street kebabs and the noisy traffic.

In fact, during the "limbo-hour", as i like to call it, the entire city probably lives its quieter moment in the day. All deliveries have been made, there are no trucks roaming around, all store fronts are still closed, people are still getting ready for work, and there are usually no work shifts beginning at this hour, so you will only see the occasional person going from point A to B because there is a place to be, or the occasional jogger. In the summer, limbo-hour is particularly special, the day has this beautiful natural light that almost seems fake, and the heat is gentle, followed by a warm-nearly-cool breeze that caresses the skin. Walking calmly and observing the scenery is not only a possibility but a true requirement at this time of day.

Don't get me wrong now, i haven't turned my back against the night, i still enjoy it very much, and i would say it's one of the most exciting and alive times for any city, especially New York, that's when everyone is out of work, meeting friends, having drinks, extending the happy hour into a night out at the clubs and maybe hitting two or three clubs in the same evening. At night is also a great time to walk around and see the city in a different light, you get to observe things that you usually wouldn't in the rush of day to day life, the lights are bright and beautiful and no matter what time of the year in New York, the nights are always festive. The holiday season though is when the New York night truly shines, the Christmas lights are out, the ice skating rinks are open and there is a happy glow wherever you look at, especially if the streets are white with snow.

So, what has happened to me i believe, is a simple shift in my heart, i started to admire and love the mornings just as much as i love the nights, and to find balance i have chosen to cut my nights short and add some hours to the morning; instead of sleeping in, i now wake up earlier, take a walk, read the newspaper and try to get to my day earlier, so that hopefully i can also have it finished earlier to enjoy more of the night. And it all comes full circle. It's a great trade off and i still get to stay away from the afternoons, and that is an entire different issue, but let's not get there just yet, i am still in my early love affair with the morning after all, i'm honey-mooning.

Have a good day.

Accepting Life

All my life i was in control. Or so i thought. The bills got paid on the 5th of each month, religiously; i had lists for everything that had to be done; i got late to work every day, but never more than fifteen minutes, because i knew i would get off work at least one hour late. I always had my schedule in order and even when i overbooked myself for dinner or lunch i would always find a way to graciously adjust and make everyone feel like they were the only ones in my schedule, even if that meant having dinner twice in one evening.

My family was kept in a shelf aside and in order, whatever issues needed to be addressed would be addressed and nothing would touch them and no one needed to be dragged into it, it just made it all more simple and organized, after all, all of them already have too many opinions about themselves, the last thing i needed was outsiders barging in with their own thoughts. My childhood friends always held a special wing of my heart and i had a very meticulous system for keeping in touch with all of them and making sure they were all in the loop of whatever was going on in  my life. My professional life went full throttle, and without stomping over anyone i managed to move up and move fast. My love life on the other hand didn't matter too much, even though i loved to think it did; but it was never a major focus of my day and didn't mean much, as i preferred to focus on other things, after all, who needs a commited relationship at twenty three years of age anyway? Time and fate would take care of that one thing for me eventually, as long as everything else was under control, love would find its way into my heart.

Well, the obsession with control was the only thing out of order, and i never relized that. My insistence on always keeping things organized and making lists and trying to not come off as if i were obsessing too much about everything, rather than just letting life carry its sweet course, started to drive me crazy. The minute one thing got done, it was then time to move on to the next, and to find all the answers to all the questions at once and immediately was a must. Well, it wasn't acceptable to me that i would start working on a project today and then have to wait another six months or a year to start seeing any results. No, results had to be immediate, and by the moment i touched something it had to turn into gold, otherwise it was rotten, or even worse, people could think i was rotten, and that i would absolutely not accept!

Well, here we are, in this fast-paced new millennium, and i am a product of all the technological advances and the quest to have more and be perfect. Well, guess what, the times may have changed, technology may have advanced, but there are some very simple and basic things that haven't. Instant gratification still isn't the answer to any of our problems, immediate results hardly ever exist and can never be trusted and anxiety only gets in the way. What's the point of rushing through life and trying to run away from the obstacles and the emotions if that is precisely what life is all about? Isn't that how we learn and evolve? When did the world stopped having twenty four hours that we can't even find the time to live on trial and error anymore?

While watching Woody Allen's new movie, "Midnight in Paris", i realized that the constant search for something different than what those characters had was also my own, and in those characters i saw myself for a moment, because i had finally realized a couple of weeks ago that i had to learn to accept my life as it is, with its ups and downs and all the feelings packed into it. Acceptance is key. Just like Owen Wilson's character learned that he had to embrace life instead of simply choosing the easiest path, i had realized the same thing a couple weeks back, and when i did it hit me like a bullet train.

I have now started to understand that we need to take it all in, the easy way around things is most of the times not the best way to go, because eventually it will come back to haunt us, as it always does. i don't know the answers to all the questions, but i know that with some patience and hard work i will be able to find the tools within myself to solve the puzzle and move on to some more complicated and bigger one. Being in control of life is impossible, because life is in control of me, and the more i try to make it change, the more it will hit me in the head to show me the fool that i am.

It's not like i have become the Dalai Lama all of a sudden, but to understand this tiny little thing has changed my perspective about it all and made me a much more relaxed person. To accept that life sometimes moves in mysterious - and at times annoying - ways has been the most liberating experience i have ever been through, and I hope it sticks with me.

The Normal State of Being

When i was in school i was bullied tremendously; i was called gay, fag and all other sorts of names that i was too young to understand. I didn't even used to understand what the whole gay thing was supposed to mean, but i knew that by the tone that it was being pronounced and the reactions it caused on others that it couldn't be a good thing. There it was, the beginning of the problem, and i couldn't even understand what the problem was , i didn't even know what that fuss was all about. Well; back then i had absolutely no idea what i liked: boys, girls or even myself. I was told that the normal thing to do was to like a girl. I didn't know there was the option to like a boy, i was a kid trying to get through school and play with my friends. When i finally realized what all of that meant i got really angry, after all, how could they know something about me that even i didn't know about? And i truly didn't, and i struggled with that for years, until i grew out of it and learned to dodge the attacks and turn them back against the attackers in a very fierce yet polite manner. But what i took from that first encounter with the gay world was that it was absurdly abnormal and wrong to be gay, and for many years that was the most solemn truth and being gay was absolutely unacceptable and a disease, but being straight and bullying whoever was different was the normal thing to do.

It was also around the times of those first encounters that i first knew of a disease that was so powerful that i couldn't even share a glass of water with an infected person. Or so they said. It was extremely frightening to be a little boy and not even be able to come near another human being for fear of dying. I remember not being able to understand that, not being able to understand how it was possible for anyone to die from being near another person? It was an extremely sad time and i hadn't thought too much of it until this year, and i hadn't even gone back to that feeling until tonight, after seeing the masterpiece by Larry Kramer, "The Normal Heart", that will say its goodbye to Broadway this July 10th.

This year of 2011 has been of profound investigation, about myself, about the world that surrounds me and about how some of our actions have irreversible consequences. I have met people and lived situations that never before had i even considered possible and all of those little things were really hard to digest and even understand, they made me once again feel like that little boy facing the unknown. And these "things" came from all sides too, so, it is only normal that i had to go see this play. Earlier this year i read a surprising article on New York Magazine and wrote about it in this blog, i was baffled by the lack of space, time and attention the world was giving to the first man to ever be cured of HIV. Not Aids, HIV. These are two different things;  and this too was also a new realization for me; i had never given this evil disease a minute of my day to properly read about it, i mean, why should I? My life was so beautiful and fabulous on the outside, who needs to know about such things when they are so distant from us? Well, they are not distant, and what was true decades ago, continues to be very true today, and even with all the technological and medical advances on improving the quality of life for HIV patients, people continue to get infected and to die daily. We still have no cure, and no one seems to be giving the time of day to the one man who lives among us with a possible key to the cure of this malign disease.

Ellen Barkin did it perfectly, she showed us with every shade of emotion what it is to be in the front line of this war, and how frustrating and nerve-racking it is to be screaming for help and still not be heard. Ellen Barkin was so perfect in her role that she made me cry copiously every time she appeared on stage; her passion and her emotions were not an act, they were real and very much alive. The entire cast was tremendous and absolutely impeccable, but Elle Barkin, oh, she made us all want to get up and throw some paper on some politicians faces, just like her character did, she made us all want to stand up for human rights, yes, human rights, the most basic ones, not just gay rights, or women's rights, but basic human rights. What was done to all those people in the early eighties was one of the most unfair things ever done by men to its own kind, and that brutality was very alive on that stage, and every visceral performance was like a punch in my soul and it shook me up and made me once again wake up and pay attention and spread the word even further.

Today, with internet, twitter, Facebook, television, newspapers, magazines and even still the radio, it's hard to believe that there are so many people getting sick, and that alone is to me the most saddening part. We are all very much aware, this disease has been a shadow over our lives for the past three decades, it is literally like a huge grey cloud above our heads, at least a couple of entire generations grew up with it in their vocabularies, and still, to this day, there are people who insist on pretending the cloud is not there. Well, guess what? Every now and then it rains from this cloud, and it doesn't just drizzle, it pours, and every time it pours it's another family that is shattered, another relationship that is broken and another life that is taken. It's past the time to take action, it's time to be responsible, each and every one of us all need to be responsible, because action is being taken, daily, but it doesn't seem to be enough, so let's do it like Larry Kramer said, lets start teaching it in schools, lets teach it at home, lets show our kids all the colors of the rainbow, let's tell them what it means to love others like we should also love ourselves, lets teach our kids the gift of acceptance and awareness and let's teach them about what it is like to be a proper human being, so that maybe then one day there won't have to be talks about what is the normal heart.

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See clips of The Normal Heart below:

You Tube Channel HERE

The Return

After quite a busy and interesting week of work in Paris it's weird to be leaving all of that gorgeousness behind. Not only Paris is one of the prettiest cities in the world, but it is also filled with culture and constant opportunities to discover new things.

This time, as always, i left something behind, i wish i could explain what it is, but it's more than something i can touch, it's a feeling. I am sure this is in part due to the sensation of having the clash of the modern world with ancient history, having current history happening on such strong historical foundations. It's also about the fact that even in such a big and famous city, they still manage to maintain unharmed some aspects of life that are really unapreciated or forgotten in big capitals like New York, São Paulo or Beijing.

From a meal - all organic, no questions asked - that can be appreciated with time, where each flavor of every ingredient is enjoyed with real passion, to the ritual of actually leaving your office behind during lunch time and sitting quietly at a small restaurant or square to appreciate your baguette sandwich. There is a better sense of time management in Paris, because so many things that we New Yorkers take for granted, like 24 hour drugstores, restaurants and even supermarkets, in Paris people plan their time, and by some magical twist of fate, everything gets done. Not only everything gets done, but surprisingly everything and more: more than anywhere else in the world, people go to museums, concerts, art galleries, take time to sit and talk to friends in cafés, go to church - if it's their thing - or simply take a stroll with the dog without obsessing over conference calls or the Dow Jones. In a city where getting a taxi is a mission, you make the extra effort to use public transportation, or even take a walk in the rain, when permitted. in Paris, you don't have to rush through dinner to get to the night club, why would you? They stay open until the early morning, which in consequence allows you to meet a friend at the end of the day for the happy hour, or like they say, the aperitif, which will then lead to dinner, that will lead to drinks which will only then take you to a loud night club. Also on their side, and of all Europe is the easy and cheap access to so much culture from all those other countries that surround them, or the simplest act of driving down to the beach for weekend getaways at the Cote D'Azur or Provence.

In Europe, people make time for having a good and well enjoyed life, the carpe diem is taken seriously, and it's that very feeling that lacks in America.Our constant obsession for achieving more, and buying things only drives us mad, not to mention advancing in our careers and trying to become an icon of our trade.The key should be to maintain a healthy rythm at work, but not get overly stressed, not care too much about the sillyness of a job that at the end of the day could end up taking from our lives instead of giving us a life. Learning to become more mindful about my life is a big goal that i am sure to reach. Time is of essence in a city like New York, where people are hungry for success and never happy with what they have achieved, in New York, no matter how healthy you eat or how much you exercise, life is still not plenty, because there is always a need that's unnatended.

I am sure i am preaching to the choir here, but regardless of that and of all the cons about living in New York City, i still always find a reason to come back. I feel that eventually i may end up in Europe, with a house on the beach or by the lake, living my life like a king, a king who runs his own kingdom and still manages to enjoy all the perks of being the guy who runs the show; but right now, well, right now it's time to work, start building my empire, whatever that may be, and get ready to move on, because the day the ship to europe sails off the american coast, it will probably be for good.

For now,  i leave my friends and some of my favorite spots behind, knowing that whenever i find some time i can just hop in an airplane and fly straight back to the city of lights, after all, isn't that one of the blessings of living in the century XXI?


-- Originally written in october 2010 and recently found in a dusty notepad. --

A Transgender Opinion

LookBooks wrote an article about transgender models invading the fashion world and asked me for my opinion on it, and i was glad to give it. Check it out HERE.

Eye of the Beholder

I just finished watching the glorious documentary "Bill Cunningham New York", and it brought me to my knees. This 84 minute movie contained such a powerful and touching story that it took me to a place - which is how I like to call a certain type of feeling - where I very rarely go to, and it is my dearest and most special place to be. Only two times before had I been this moved, and when that happened I also wrote about it.

One of them, and probably the most mind-blowing one, was in early 2010 when Patti Smith delivered the book "Just Kids", one of the most beautiful books I ever read. The minute I learned this book was coming out I had a strong feeling, I didn't read the review, I didn't know exactly what it was about, but I literally, got up from my chair and went to Barnes and Noble; only to find that the release date would be in another two weeks. Well, eventually I got it, and I cried copiously as I saw my love for the arts was coming alive through those pages.

With Bill Cunningham's documentary it was my love for beauty that came tearing out through the screen, it was my love for all that is or can be beautiful in this world. Bill said it himself - "if you seek beauty you will find it" - and I could not agree more, it brought tears to my eyes as it did to his, and I felt the most extraordinary connection to this man who is a living legend and a visionary. Bill's story, like Patti's, is of a person who feels love through every pore of their bodies, it's intangible, you can't explain it, but its there like nobody's business.

As I watched Bill Cunningham's life, work, and passion unfolding before my eyes I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down, what I had before me was a man absolutely in love with life, fashion and beauty, a man who didn't need another person or loads of money in the bank to have happiness, he had it right there, and he lived a full and happy life, with no regrets and many accomplishments.

There is a certain calm and peacefulness that I get from staring at a certain picture sometimes, and I know, that this feeling is all I want to achieve. I know that sometimes, in order to get there i will have to go through some rough patches, and that's ok, I am not looking for an entire life of fulfillment, love, passion and happiness, but what I want is as many of those "picture staring" moments as possible, I want to feel my heart beating fast and my eyes tearing up as many times as possible, I want to be able to see in other people's lives what I aim to get for my own, it makes it all more realistic, it makes it less of a fairy tale.

I recently met some very interesting and loving people, they happened in my life like the big bang to earth, and I just accepted them, just like the universe accepted earth when it turned up. One of these marvelous people invited me to a "vision board" party, where they would build vision boards for what they wanted for their future. I could not understand the concept: cutting from magazines and gluing to a cardboard didn't seem much to me; but I went anyway. What happened to me was an epiphany, I had all these images inside my heart and they simply appeared to me in magazines, and from there they jumped into a board, and that board looks exactly like my life! So, it was just like that, I realized that I do have a full life, and that I do have plenitude and that all I need is in front of me.

I won't lie to you though: it would be lovely to achieve something really pivotal for mankind... or maybe even just my neighborhood; you know!? And for at least once have someone look at all the things I did and lived through and feel their heart fill up with joy and peacefulness and have their eyes fill up with tears and their hearts fill up with joy; nothing would make me happier than to be able to inspire someone, that would probably be my greatest accomplishment, and also a great compliment.

But you know what!? If that moment never happens, I am totally cool with that, because the tears that rolled down my cheeks today, watching Bill's life in the movie, were also of recognition of all that I have achieved in my life, and I am a lucky bastard for being able to look inside myself and recognize that, and to see that I am living a full life right now, filled with love, joy and strength; and for all my blue and trying moments I can save a pitiful laughter, for they are powerless in front of my beautifully accomplished vision board of a life.

Take a look at the trailer by clicking HERE.

The Beauty in Getting Old

Do you know how i know i'm getting old? Last night i fell asleep at 11pm, with an open book over my face and the lights on. When i woke up, my arm was in a much deeper sleep than the rest of me, and i was immediately sent to the days when i was a little boy and i would walk into my mother's bedroom only to find her in the exact same situation. I remember thinking it was super funny and asking her why did she put an open book over her face to go to sleep? And why wouldn't she turn the lights off? I thought it was funny, now i understand.

So i grew up, and off i went to work at a video store, and i remember half the customers coming in and saying they couldn't finish the movie because they had fallen asleep halfway through it. I thought that was a betrayal to the art of film making and was profoundly offended that they wouldn't finish watching the movie i recommended especially for them. It was an affront to my "talents" and it made me question my "skills" at my job. Ok, give me a break, i was fourteen! Back in those days i used to spend nights watching one movie after the other, it would range from the "The Attack of the Killing Refrigerator" to "Out of Africa" or "Pulp Fiction", it didn't matter what the movie was, it could be an old cowboy movie and i would still be watching, to me, still to this day, any movie is worth watching. The difference now is that i am the one falling asleep.

In the height of my teenage years i could not fathom the idea of being so tired to the point where a person wouldn't even be able to stay awake through one of the most enjoyable things in the world, which is watching movies. I would go to movie theaters on my own and spend the entire afternoon thinking of how great it would be to work in that industry and how everything was so creative and beautiful, i mean, even "Striptease" had its good side - in fact I secretly love it, I mean, Burt Reynolds anyone!?. Every movie had a good side. Every movie, even the really crappy ones, still has a good side. Back then i could not go on a day without watching a movie and could swear on my sweet grandmother that i would not go on a day without movies for the rest of my life. Well, fast forward 10 years and here i am, a once a week movie son of a gun who will sometimes even fall asleep during "The Family Guy". I take it all back, i am getting old.

I am not saying I Am old, but i am definitely moving towards my own extinction, it's what happens to everyone. As i grew the more responsibilities i acquired, the level of stress increased and the pressure to maintain a well-oiled machine of a life became bigger than myself. That happens to pretty much everyone, it's just life, sometimes it's overwhelming, sometimes it's like a walk in the park. Looking back i see all the things that my parents used to do and I thought were tedious and that they were wasting their time (and mine) with bills and a calculator, i mean, couldn't you just go to the ATM and get money? I have been supporting myself and living far from home since i was seventeen, I always had a very responsible outlook on things and a bill overdue freaked the hell outta me. Nowadays i live in New York, a place i dreamed of when growing up, I went to Hollywood, and attended Oscar parties, traveled to Australia, another city I dreamed and planned on living when i was in high school, traveled through Europe on my own and saw everything I learned in art school and history class. I was only able to do all these things and become this person I Am because of all the work I put on my goals and ideas, and because of all the stress i had to go through and responsibilities i had to acquire, and also because of all the movies i had to fall asleep in and miss. Life will not hand you all you want in a silver platter, you have to work for it.

It's beautiful nowadays to realize that i am growing old and to be able to look back and see all the great things i lived through, the people i met and the experiences that made me learn and understand so many other things. So, i guess the rule doesn't only apply to the movies, but to everything in life. There is beauty in everything, even in getting old.

Times they are a-changing

So, as i sit to write on my computer my text message alert rings on one of my two blackberry smart phones, a conversation is initiated, then a second conversation is initiated with another person, and next thing i know i am having five conversations at the same time. I hate texting, bbm'ing, chatting and all of its similar evolutions, i believe it has made us handicapped, it created a distance even bigger than the one we allowed ourselves when we only had a phone call to count on. I remeber the times when it wasn't polite to call after a certain time in the evening, and also that you would only let the phone ring a few times and had to wait several minutes until you tried again, i mean, it was part of the telephone etiquette my grandmother taught me.

Nowadays people text and bbm, constantly, and things that could be said in less than 60 seconds are scattered through endless text messages that can go on forever. Nowadays it almost feels like calling someone is a gigantic bother, like you are invading someone's space. I will constantly hear: "why didn't you text me?" or: "i can't talk, i am in a meeting, send me a text". Well, you can't talk but you can text? How is that any less disrespectful to the other people in that meeting? How does that not take from what you should actually be doing? What happened that made us so afraid of talking on the phone? Does that mean that one day if they creat holograms we won't ever need to actually meet people for dinners or conversations? Will we only want to talk to the hologram of a friend? I mean, looking at the way things are shifting, it seems like it could definitely happen. This is the tip of the iceberg.

I once considered myself a very well informed and skillful person when it came to technologies, i was always upgrading my equipment and myself, but then life happened and i acquired more responsibilities and little by little Facebook, Google and finally Twitter started creeping in, and i had no idea what that meant. I remember thinking - what's the use of this dumb website? Why would anyone care for what i am doing, where i am going or any of that crap? Well, i wasn't alone, but very rapidly people realized all the money that could be made and all the business that could be generated with little to no money and the social network craze was let lose.

I currently have a blog, facebook and twitter accounts, i probably have other similar stuff around too but i rather not even think of those as these three are already a lot of work to maintain. I have updated myself, i am very much aware of the new medias and i find all of it truly fascinating. I have however seen and lived the decline of several industries, even more so after the financial crisis in 2008, when everything fell to pieces.

When i heard about the documentary "Page One - Inside The New York Times" i was very intrigued and happy to see that finally someone took the time to put the message out there, that there has been an ongoing revolution for several years and still, to this day, many people and corporations do not pay enough attention or understand what is going on. And what a greater way to show the revolution than from inside one of the largest, if not THE largest media outlet in the world: The New York Times. I have watched the documentary and i connected to it in so many levels, of course there were many things left unsaid, but the main message was out there: we have these medias, now how do we handle this revolution? Are we prepared for the consequences?

I saw it happening in front of me, i am a manager at a modeling agency and also work very closely with tv, film and music, which puts me in the middle of a whole other sector of this revolution. For the music industry it started ages ago with illegal file sharing, Napster and so on and so forth. The music industry was probably the first one to bring attention to the new medias. Around that time people started questioning wether newspapers would fall through the cracks given the amount of bloggers making news on their own terms; however i also remember that most people dismissed that idea by saying that all of it was a mere copy of yesterday's newspaper or information coming from sources that could not be trusted. As the new medias kept evolving and gowing the film and tv industries also started facing piracy and there was another huge propaganda against these medias. Little by little fashion started following the trend too, and utilizing these medias to promote itself, and even though you can't download a pair of pants, you can certainly buy it online, instead of a catalog, and maybe you can even see a fashion show in real time instead of attending it in Paris or Milan. You can also see a video editorial on a magazine's website instead of buying the actual magazine, and that is how, little by little the fashion industry silently began to collapse.

When the economic crisis hit in 2008 i moved to New York, i was lucky enough to get a great job at an amaing position in the middle of a sea of uncertainty and lay offs; every company, including mine, was firing almost on a daily basis, i saw huge fashion conglomerates filing for bankruptcy - as i still do - and everyday as i walked around in New York i would see those awful boxes walking around from one place to another, years of work and dedication compartmented into boxes. It was one of the most terrifying and sad moments of my life, i saw people getting fired daily. I had a failed relationship because my partner had been laid off and for the past four months could not find any job anywhere, so finally the pain and disappointment of seeing a lifetime of work and dedication fall to pieces became so unmanageable that the relationship disintegrated.

What happened in the fashion industry is still not very much talked about, the modeling agencies still don't pay enough attention to the new medias and allow themselves to fall into these traps made by their clients, who take full advantage of these medias, and the models, by consequence take the worst end of the deal. The rates for models dropped dramatically, several models that had been working for many years all of a sudden became obsolete and huge department stores like Sak's Fifth Avenue, Macy's or Bloomingdales simply started cutting back on their bookings for catalogs and advertising and established there own rules, making it either their way or the highway. The modeling agencies, in the midst of a crisis did nothing but nod their heads and move forward, trying to hang on to whatever was left. Because of a lack of unity in this market, we still face a very sad future, no one stands by the agencies, there is no union and the agencies won't stand by each other. Nowadays work has been reduced to 36 hour image use for online stores, catalogs are outdated, no one needs art directors, the models don't need to be anyone special, sometimes they won't even have the models heads in the shot, and because of that they feel entitled to pay close to nothing.

The agencies that sat foot and demand respect for their models lose those clients, but then again, do they rally need them? Isn't it time new standards are established, new rules are made and people become more aware that there is a bigger picture in stake with this entire evolution and revolution process? This also works for the publishing industry, every day you hear about bookstores closing, publishing houses firing employees and the numbers of book sales dropping by the second. Of course people can now read their books on kindle or ipad, but is that under control? Maybe it is, and maybe that industry is the only one that has their future figured out, but where do we go from here?

The New York Times is not only an American institution, it is a global institution, it is point of reference for the entire world, it's a newspaper that generates news for several other news outlets accross the world. The New York Times cannot perish. We fight to save education, yet we complain when a newspaper starts charging for viewing its content online. The newspaper is also education, did we all forget about that? Why should that content be free if before this revolution you had to pay to have access to it from the news stand? Why do we feel like we are entitled to have that information for free? Why do we feel we can just declare all newspapers dead and move along to the digital era? What happens with all those people who will lose their jobs? Who will be generating the news? Are those sources trustworthy? Who is going to the battle front to make sure the right story is being told? And where will the money for all of that come from if no one wants to pay for the news? The only reason why some blogs and websites have "free" news is because of press agencies and reliable entities like The New York Times, and i believe people seem to forget that. So, what would happen if all of a sudden the penal system decided to shut down operation to operate on line? What would happen if we could no longer rely on going to appointments with doctors but only on reading about symptoms on Wikipedia? The world would collapse, and the world is collapsing as i type this. This is what Nostradamus and the Mayans predicted as the end of the world, our planet will not be hit by the Armageddon, but it will wear itself out until it becomes unmanageable to keep on living and existing. The same way we disrespected nature, we are now disrespecting each other and ourselves. It's easy to say you don't want to pay for a song, or to have access to an article, but try and think of the bigger picture, try to think about the chain reaction caused by those U$2,50 that you are "saving". A tremor in america today may cause a tidal wave in Japan tomorrow, the same applies to this technological revolution.

"Page One" is one of the most compelling and relevant documentaries made in the last fifteen years, it shows and proves something that has been quietly going on for too long. This, like the "Social Network" registers decisive and revolutionary times in our history, these movies are masterpieces and must be seen by all, must be shown in schools and must be advertised and pushed forward as much as possible. It is our responsibility as fellow human beings to be aware and take action. You can't turn your face away from the reality, we live in 2011, we may not have flying cars or be ruled by apes, but we are definitely facing something that was beyond anyone's imagination, and it is wild.

Click HERE for the trailer of "Page One -Inside The New York Times"

He had HIV. Now he does not.

Timothy Brown had HIV. Timothy Brown also had leukemia, twice. Timothy Brown is no longer sick, Mr. Brown is a healthy 45 year old translator who lives in San Francisco and is currently quite possibly the most studied human being in the planet.

When Dr. Gero Hütter, a specialist in blood cancers in Berlin came across Timothy's very unique case of HIV and Leukemia, he chose to think outside the box, he brought an option to the table that was revolutionary, even though "revolutionary" was not what they saw, that was the option for a man who needed help, it was a long stretch but a possibility none the less. For a man who had been fighting two diseases at once had gone through all the procedures in the book, anything was valid as long as it meant getting his life back. Well here was an option that could literally give him his life back. With a very bold concept in his hands, Dr. Hütter took the plunge and so did Mr. Brown, they chose to go for a brand new procedure, where they would transplant stem-cells with a Delta-32 mutation into Timothy's sick body. These very rare mutated cells are found mostly in people in northern Europe, and they are basically 99.9% resistant to the HIV virus, so by doing this very unconventional transplant, Dr. Hütter reprogrammed Timothy's immune system, and not only got rid of his Leukemia, but also his HIV.

Now ask yourself, had you heard about this before you read my blog? And if so, how many more people you know, heard about it too? Because Mr. Brown has been HIV and Leukemia-free for more than four years, and only now this has come to my attention. New York Magazine has published a six-page article on this case, they have even given it headline on their cover, however they haven't given it the actual cover. The New York Times has written a couple of pieces on this story too, but they were buried in some section that you would never read unless you are one of those people who read the entire newspaper back to back or are particularly interested in medicine. This is truly preposterous!

Why the world doesn't know that a man has been cured from HIV, i don't understand. I do understand that this man's cure is not the cure for the disease, it is a very complicated and expensive procedure, it caused Mr. Brown to have complications, and it could lead to death. But it hasn't. This particular case is revolutionary, even if it isn't a vaccine or a medication that ends HIV, it could certainly lead to one. The concept here is fresh and refreshing and was only possible because Dr. Hütter wasn't a skeptical, he allowed himself to try and seek new possibilities, while every other HIV researcher had very little to no belief in the cure.

These aren't the times to fool around, HIV research has reached amazing levels and advanced so fast that people now have access to this revolutionary treatment that allows them to live almost as if they didn't carry the virus, and the littlest advance in this field is like a giant step forward. What i also did not know, was that there was little to no money being sent to the research for the cure of HIV. Now pay attention because this is where it gets tricky: the money was being put into research for medication, ways to improve the quality of life and immunodeficiency, but not necessarily to kill the virus. Researchers from around the globe have grown skeptical after one of the most publicly discussed attempts to cure HIV failed, and that was also when millions of dollars were pulled from the "cure" research and that word became practically a blasphemy in the medical community.

When it was scientifically proven that Timothy Brown was cured, there were still people who

could not believe it, and to this day, even though everyone agrees that Timothy is the first person to be cured from HIV, this subject is the big white elephant in the room. So why should we allow it to be? Why can't we bring it to the table and turn it into a topic for discussion? Why can't we put it on facebook and twitter, why can't we write about it in news papers and magazines? Well, we can. This subject needs to be addressed, it is our job to make this a public as possible, because if we were able to cause so many changes via the social network and the media, i am sure we could also get people's attention to the research for the cure of HIV.

Let's all speak up about this subject, let's show the people who have money in their pockets where they should be sending their money to. Let's send money ourselves, let's speak up ourselves, who better to start a movement than you and me? This is the time when everyone and anyone has a voice, this is one of the best things the internet has made for us, it has given us a voice, so let's use it wisely, let's spread the word and make this world a better place.

Danke Berlin!

This week i am very proud of myself, i did something that is trés grown-up, i went away on a holiday trip to Berlin, Germany - not Berlin, New Jersey. Well, you may be asking yourself - how is that a grown-up thing? - but, yes, it is, because what could be more grown up than traveling to Europe for four days on your own expenses and responsibilities? To throw yourself into the immensity that is the unknown and open yourself to whatever comes your way and then be back to work on tuesday as if nothing had changed, as if 8 hours - each way - inside an airplane was the same thing as going to the deli to get a new bottle of diet coke and a wrap. I was in awe with myself, almost as in awe as when i rented a house on the beach - literally - for the summer, now that was the epitomy of becoming a true grown up!

But getting there was an even more jaw-dropping experience than i expected; not only Berlin is one of the most exciting and curious cities i have ever been, but NEVER have i seen such politeness and respect to others like i have in Berlin, to me that is what the word civilized was invented for. Someone told me that there were only nine homicides in Berlin last year - yes, nine... NINE! Well, i didn't go as far as believing in that information, but it came from a good source and i am pretty sure that if it wasn't the most acurate, the actual number would probably not be that far anyway. But my point here is: go to Berlin and learn something about proper living. Period.

So, as you get off the airplane, each gate has it's own separate immigration, baggage claim, security check, check in, etc. All is individualized and extremely simple and organized, a true shock, specially after having seen half demolished terminals and the atrocity that is the airport in Newark, New Jersey - where else!? So here is where it starts to get really good and juicy, listen up. The minute the doors of your gate open up to the terminal you are invaded by a smell that is a croos between the best croissants i ever tasted and some delicious pastry that kicks France in the ass big time. Then from the ticket booth from the transportation ticket to the flat it was a jiffy. No joke, with two euros i got all the way home, and that included changing from a bus to a train and not going through a gate or a "ticket person" once! Yes, that was the second shock, that is proof that good and honest people exist in this world, here is a country that has the doors to their trains and buses wide open for anyone to walk in at any time and they trust that everyone will stop by the machine before entering and buy their tickets. And they do.

In Germany everything works, no one crosses the street if the light is red - even if there isn't absolutely anything moving in the road, people don't speak loudly, they mind their own businesses and respect everyone else's space. At the same time there is a sense of community that is remarkable, people congregate and communicate to perfection. Punk rock mixes with art, church, school programs, families, demonstrations,cats and dogs all at once and within the space of a small park, everyone takes note of whats happening around them and if they want to join... why not?

Berlin is bustling with art, energy, music, creativity, Berlin is the German capital of fashion, movies, music and arts in general. It seems like there is a museum in every corner and it seems like all of them are constantly busy, even the ones that are temporarily built by the artists themselves in half-destroyed and abandoned buildings. But while all this energy is flowing all over the city, Berlin finds a way to remain very austere and extremely silent. Berlin is so silent that at times it becomes scary. Aside from a couple of central spots like Alexanderplatz, which would be the equivalent of a downtown area for instance, Berlin is without exagerating one bit, as quiet as being in the middle of the country or in a farm. Walking through the streets on any time of day o night all you hear is steps from other people walking near you and the eventual louder car noises, but the predominant sound in the streets is of the birds hapilly singing from the top of the trees, that are also plenty. At night it becomes so quiet that the mere steps of someone outside will seem loud, especialy since there aren't really that many people roaming around.

The nightlife and the bars are also a thing of their own. People are respectful of the neighbors and enjoy themselves inside if they want to be loud, and if you think that the streets are taken by bars and 24-hour parties, well, they are not. Berlin manages to have one of the best night lifes in Europe without being noisy and annoying to everyone else, which to me is truly bizarre and hard to achieve.

The overall behaviour in this city is of deep respect, you can be walking down the street topless and people will not be staring or making comments, you will see, like i have, men with heir butts showing in one of those fetish leather pants, walking around naturally like everyone else, and not a single person cares, to which its own.

Berlin has grown to become such an important cultural hub and trend-setter for Europe that you even forget the whole wall deal. And it seems like that's what they really want to see hapening. That damned wall is nothing but a sad reminder of bad days gone by, of atrocities and deep disrespect to other human beings, but still, parts of that wall remain there, as a reminder to this new generation of all that has gone wrong, of all injustice and foolishness that has been poduced by none other than human beings just like any of us - well, maybe not me, but i can't b so sure about you - just kidding.

I have thought of many theories to explain what makes Berlin such a riveting and civilized city, but the best one is that it probably was restrind and contained for so long that pople just learned to live under strict rules and respct each others space, people had to learn to live with each other and endure through good, bad o ugly. the sense of community must also definitely come from that same place. it seems to me that the ways of Berlin can be quite deceiving for those who go visit unaware of their costumes. But mostly in a good way, of course.

Berlin, made me shine, through every corner, park, grafitti, museum, river, creek and fountain, Berlin had a magic that was really hard to explain and even harder to put into words, Berlin filled my heart with joy and opened my eyes to much brighter world, where people can rely on each other and trust whoever or whatever. Berlin in its entirety was the most inspiring experience i have had in a long, a very long time!

The Wonders of Love

There is a difficulty that i believe is inside most of us, it's not the usual obstacle, it lives inside us and we don't even know about it. It only comes out in those moments when you really should not have it, and you really have to fight it in order to achieve a certain place. This place is a feeling, this place also generates many other feelings, in you, a friend, a relative, or even that someone you've been secretely admiring for quite some time. To say "i love you", or "i love this", is one of the hardest things to do.

By finding love inside myself over and over again i was able to let go of the restraints of embarrassement or fear of saying the words. I found that loving myself was the most invaluable feeling i could have ever achieved, and from that i found that i had to - A - admit it, and - B - learn to share it. It's not like i made a mission of walking around grabbing people, shaking them down and telling them to love as much as they could and love themselves above all - that would be crazy... Or would it?- but it was simply by paying it forward.

There has been so much pain and rejection in my life, there were times when it was impossible for me to understand why should people be put through so much hurt. Everyone has their share, some people learn from them, some don't, a few others keep bouncing back, others harden themselves and build a wall to make it all more distant, but i lived through all the pain, quietly inside myself and by myself. Please stop right here. This is not meant to make you feel sad or bad for me, so keep on reading. I lived through the pain, i had no one to share it with, i didn't believe in therapy, i didn't feel i had anyone i could share it with to a level where i would be heard and understood, so i looked inside myself, i searched for the elements that were already in me, because someone once told me that we hold the answers to all our questions inside ourselves, and that simple phrase stayed with me, and eventually i understood what that meant.

It started off by not feeling sorry for myself, and also by rationalizing all the pain, i could not care less for the tears, which by the way hadn't turned up around my face for many, many years, all i wanted was to make all the problems go away, one by one, and there was no way around it, i had to face the music, and that would be whatever was playing, i really did not care. As each problem came tumbling down, i grew stronger and my heart eventually could not fit inside me anymore. That was when i found love, and as tacky as it may sound, it was love that saved my life. By loving i started feeling again, the tears finally started to roll down, even when i was watching silly tv commercials i would cry, i mean, i cry for everything, and it's because i am touched, or happy, or sad, or angry, it doesn't matter, but for me it was the best thng that ever happened, because it showed me that i was alive again. To live through pain, death and illness and not shed a tear is the weirdest feeling i ever felt, and it happened repeatedly, for many years, that's why i say that crying woke me up.

When The Beatles sang "all you need is love", they knew what they were talking about, it is the most absolute truth and it's what keeps me going. Not only did love solve my problems and finished with my pain, but it also made me a much happier and open person, it made me see that the possibilities are infinite, it made me see that there is absolutely nothing wrong with trial and error, nothing complicated about taking chances and speaking up, that giving a hand to a stranger could lead to endless possibilities and that everyone needs a little love, so why not share it? I mean, i sure have plenty to share.

I found that loving is an exercise, you have to remind yourself constantly of the love you have for yourself, you have to constantly throw it around at others so that they know they feel it too. Life is hard and sometimes it toughens us a bit too much, to the point we forget we are human beings and we feel everything; that's how we were built and meant to be, otherwise we would be just like every other animal.

I have come to learn that no matter how bad things are or how hard it is to understand the world around you, you have to always keep on loving as much and as hard as you can, because there is too much negativity all around and even at the worst moment, there will be something to be loved, there is this belief inside of me that everything, anyone, all things that exist deserve love, of course there are flaws in all and any, but why should you hold on to the flaws when all else can be far more interesting and entertaining anyway?

Think about it, love is not just something for silly romance movies, love is serious stuff, and if you open your heart and sould to it you will see how good it feels to love so much and how good it makes the people around you feel too, there is no way around it, it is contagious at its best, and i love it!

The turn of the Swan

What can i say about the ballet? Well, I love it. It my sound tacky, old or boring to most people, i know, because that's how i used to feel about it too, but that was because i did not know ballet. I had never in all my years experienced what ballet really is, never had i gone to see a show from a real ballet company and experience the nunaces of the dances and the music and how they interact so beautifully to create images and how all these images lead to an exciting story.

It was the New York City Ballet that showed me what the art of the ballet is all about. This company showed me that ballet is not all about tutus and classical music, it showed me that there can be twists to it, that the music, whatever it may be can always have an interpretation and tell its story through the precise steps and gentle moves of the dancers.

The first show i ever watched was The Nutcracker; it had been a lifelong dream of mine to watch this particular show at christmas eve in New York city, and so, on my first holiday season alone in New York, thats what i did, i bought myself a good seat for the 8pm show and immersed myself in that art, i decided that if i was oing to do it, sit through three hours of ballet, i was going into it with an open mind and heart, and try to learn as much as possible aboutit and try to feel the same excitement that the people who are presenting it to the audience do.

The beauty of the stage design, the costumes and the stunning music were all gorgeous, it lifts you up, there is no other way, however, as those dancing heros, jump and twirl and glide through the stage, that's when the magic happens, because i saw people just like me and the guy sitting next to me, doing things that i could never imagine possible, every move of every part of their body was all of a sudden communicating something different, they were saying this person was happy, or sad, or in love, or deeply hurt, o confused. Their bodies also showed the unbelievable capacity of moving and reaching places and positions unseen, it was like watching a scene from a movie filled with special effects, except that it was all real, happening in front of me on the stage of the David H. Koch theater.

I could not believe what i was feeling, i was laughing, crying, being surprised every minute and all i wanted was more, more, more. When the show finished i was even more puzzled: Was this a one time only experience or did i really like the ballet? Well, i went on a search and bought myself tickets for another show, completly different, no big sets or flashy costumes, just dance and music, and this time it was even more exciting. To be able to read into the dance is a privilege, and to be able to witness those dancers making such beautiful art happen right in front of me is an even greater privilege. I since then became a member of the New York City Ballet, i make sure to get my tickets for all my favorite shows in advance and i don't miss a single one of them!

It still puzzles me why are people so resistent to such a beautiful form of art, a form of art that is so alive and is so vibrant, that brings you into the show, makes you feel a part of the action and opens your heart to feelings that cold have been long forgotten. The excitement of the ballet is far beyond my abilities to write, soi will no longer try to explain it, but it would be really amazing if every day more people felt interested by the ballet, because for me, it's a form of art that should never be gone.

Lola's Scream

i have been thinking a lot lately about how the mind works, i mean, not in regards to every aspect of it, but mostly, you know, about how our wheels spin and how our thoughts, ideas and decisions come to be. I have been thinking a lot about it, it's been very unsettling, very different too, because up until now i never really cared that much, things happened like they always do, sometimes very easily or with some difficulty, but right now, in this place where i find myself in my life, i ask myself: how does all this decision making go on? I have been thinking about it all the time, i also wonder if other people think about it too, i wonder if they even think there is a mechanism or even a "thinking"; or if they just assume things happen because they do.

The reality is that i am really tired. I am tired of making decisions, and thinking about them, and thinking twice before doing something, you know, like in that saying? I know it may sound premature, but i think all the time, all day long, i make decisions for myself, for my clients, for my friends, for my family, for god knows who! I decide from the moment i wake up and lately i have been deciding even in my sleep. Lately, the "decision making" has been heavier than ever, the "thinking" has been more frenetic than New York traffic during the holidays and all of that has translated in so much noise in my head that sometimes it becomes so loud that it is unbearable to carry on, or stand still, or have my eyes open or closed, it's all so loud and so messy that it's hard to just be.

I can be standing still but i won't be, i can try to lie down but i won't rest, i can sit in the darkest corner of my room and i will still be in motion, my body still moves in spasms and twitches from all the thoughts floating in my head, it's a clash that comes from all sides, from the noisy silence that comes from the street or from the just finished day still echoing in my ear drums; it's the actual physical manifestation of my thoughts that lately hasn't even allowed me to sleep, that wakes me up in the middle of the night to say: REMEMBER THIS! DO THAT! BE THAT WAY! This is why i am tired, because never before have i had to think about thinking, never before have i had to try to stop myself from thinking in order to conclude a thought and get to a decision, never before has the white noise become so poisonous and loud.

I have all these pictures that pop up on my mental screen, they are references from movies, songs or plays, of those moments when the carachter stops everything and analyzes that scene or moment, or in a song when a singer screams and every sound stops... to only then resume in perfect synthony again. But the image that has been haunting me lately is of Lola, from the German movie "Run Lola, Run", a brilliant piece of work from the early 00's; and in it Lola, is running so desperately to save her lover and everything is so frenetic, and her head is spinning so fast, that there is a moment when she screams with all her strenghth, and she screams so loud that people around her can't even bare it, glasses break, clocks stop running and at the end of that scream everything is perfect and well and she can then return to her running yet again. That's the image i have been visualizing lately, and as awful as i know it may sound, i wish i could scream even louder, but so loud that even some people's heads would pop and they would cease to exist, they would not die, because i don't necessarily want that for them, but they would just disappear with the head, and they would disappear from my microcosmos. Maybe they would carry on living in their own space, but they would just be inexistent for me. Wouldn't that be nice? But i wouldn't want any controle over it, this would just be something that could happen or not, and when it did it would be very random, according to what fate judged necessary, like popping a pimple, instant relief to something that is really annoying, like a torn in my foot or a pebble in my shoe. It would be like a bonus for excessive thinking.

I don't know what to think anymore, my mind wonders and wanders away, it thinks of completely unnecessary things constantly; i mean, why should i be thinking if i will live long enough to have a house by the lake or children to raise, when right now what i should really be thinking is about my career; or that date that went really badly because i couldn't stop thinking about the bad date that i had the previous week. It is complete insanity, but it is what it is and this is the point where i am at in my life, when thinking is such hard work that it even hurts. I am not joking.

Maybe there is something that is tangled in there, in my little box of thoughts, because to me that's all the brain is, a little woody and wide box where everything is stored in files and cabinets and sometimes in computers and hard drives too. Sometimes there are spirits floating around too, i don't know if i would call them that, but they would be like clerks or librarians or something, and i guess they make the mess; maybe the clerk's assistant files something in the wrong cabinet and next thing you know i am taking a train to Jersey while i still live in Manhattan, that kind of stuff, the kind of stuff you do when you are really exhausted.

So, the hope here is that this will help my head to untangle, maybe writing this will send a clue to the guys up there in the box that maybe it's time to put things back in order, and i certainly hope that they read this before they put it away.

Yours truly, the body.

Sylvia, who are you?

I was just now going on and on about the Italian spirit and how you have to admire their way of life, every time i go to Italy i feel super inspired, and someone said: "Oh darling it's La Dolce Vita" !

And it is true, that scene with Anita Ekberg in the fountain is so remarkable and gorgeous, it is breath taking, one of the most outstanding images ever created by the movie industry and also a really good idea of what the Italian spirit is to me!

Viva Frederico Fellini !

See the video of the scene here!