On Forgiveness

“Time will tell” is a saying people use a lot, but this morning I actually saw the saying coming into life, so I will tell you what time told me about “The Descendants”, the movie brilliantly directed by Alexander Payne that is currently in theaters.

Last night when I left the theater I knew I liked the movie, I wasn’t sure what was about it I liked the most; maybe it was the perfect portrayal of what normal life is like in Hawaii, maybe it was that feeling of pain, grief and redemption that ripped the movie screen and jumped inside me, maybe it was George Clooney and Shailene Woodley’s brilliant acting, or a very well crafted and sensible screenplay; but whatever it was, something was set in motion inside me and I couldn’t put my finger on it right away.

This morning, after some time had passed, I was minding my own business and then it hit me: “Forgiveness! That's it! Being forgiving, they were forgiving to themselves and each other above all!”. It was almost as if lightning was striking and I could see it coming down and up thru me, that was what had touched me so much in that movie, that was what the whole movie was about, or perhaps it wasn’t, but it portrayed forgiveness in a beautiful and natural way.

It starts with George Clooney’s character, he may be a flawed man, but he acknowledges it and he finally has a chance to do something about it, he knows this is the moment, the window of opportunity to make things right for himself and his entire family. Every character, one by one starts an exercise of soul searching and understanding, and they go through every tiny bit of feeling inside themselves and they forgive, even if they don’t want to, they work on forgiving, honestly forgiving, because it is the right thing to do. Alexander Payne shows us in this crafty movie that forgiveness is necessary in order to go on living.

These characters go through so much pain and destruction in their lives and yet they find a way to be together and show support for each other and give the word family a real meaning. We may not forget certain things in life, but we can definitely forgive them and move on, and grow from it, learn from it, use those things to make us better human beings, and I believe the most important message in this movie is that before being forgiving with others, we have to be forgiving on ourselves to only then be able to spread forgiveness even further.

You see, the beauty about forgiveness is that no one else needs to know about it, it’s a very internal movement we make that helps to create balance and puts everything back in order, it helps us to reconnect with other people, it enables us to live in society without judgments and hurt and so many other negative feelings that normally surround us on a daily basis. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be out loud for society to see, it’s not an award on the kindest human being on earth, but in fact it’s quite the opposite, it serves to remind us to be gentle with ourselves and others, it serves to show us that all human beings are delicate and feel just as much as we do and have pain just as much as we do.

My pain is not greater than yours, “The Descendants” showed me that too, in fact, my pain is irrelevant in most matters in my life, as long as I am aware of how my pain affects me and that I address it from time to time, then I got it covered, no one else needs to be pulled into my madness. It’s all very simple, because we all as human beings have issues going through life, and we can ask for help, we can scream for salvation, but we have to remind ourselves to not take advantage of our pain to get something out of someone else. Pity is an ugly feeling, why would anyone want anything to do with it anyway? Our pains are our own, and that’s the same with forgiveness, it’s our own and it serves to bring relief from the pain, the anger, the jealousy, the narrow-mindedness, you name it, there are so many feelings we can be forgiving about, but no matter what the issue is, we must always forgive and with time we may even forget.

We may forget the smaller things in life, the tiny feelings that come and go, we may be reminded of them from time to time too and they will serve to show us how silly we once thought of something, or someone, or as it is in most cases, ourselves.

Role Model

During the seven years in which Carrie Bradshaw inhabited the TV screen on HBO she became a part of our lives, men, like women, were also drawn to her, even if just for the sake of knowing what the hoopla was all about. We learned many things with Carrie, good and bad, she was our therapist and also the person we wanted to distance ourselves the most at certain times, but none the less, she was always there, like a good friend whose shoulder we can always rely on.

After Carrie and the "Sex and the City" gang were gone from the small screen we were left with a void, we had all of a sudden no one to look to when we turned our TV’s on, there was no shiny Park Avenue mirror for us to look into, no pink tutus or classic Manolo Blahniks to keep us comfort, we were left orphans, an entire generation or two that lived their lives inspired by Carrie Bradshaw, her loyal friends and their lavish lifestyle was all of a sudden at a loss.

Television networks were quick to look for replacements, there was Lipstick Jungle, but that was a huge fluke, poor Brooke Shields, it seems she had much bigger shoes to fill than they expected. But in fact what did they expect? It was like introducing the new wife to your children and expecting them to all of a sudden call this strange woman their "mommy" - it just doesn't work like that! With the failure of the show that was meant to be the next step and salvation for women everywhere – or at least they marketed it to be seen that way - studios and networks had to find a solution. Sex and the City reruns on several networks were still making higher ratings than many of the brand new shows, so why not make a movie and expand the brand even further?

Sex and the City – the movie – was made, another smash hit produced and headlined by the unforgettable Sarah Jessica Parker and all of a sudden solace was found by millions of people across the globe. Since the early gossips until the premiere of the film, people felt comfort once again, but as soon as Sarah Jessica hung that pink tutu and put the Manolos to rest yet again, the void was back, and this time in full force. And so, have we ever accepted that the whole "Sex and the City" dream is in fact over? That there won't be any more breakfasts with the girls? Will we face the fact that maybe we need to get out there and build our very own Park Avenue dream?

As I walked down the stairs from the movie theater recently, Sarah Jessica Parker’s most recent movie “I Don’t Know How She Does It” in fact, I realized how similar Sarah’s recent roles had been, how they had these carachteristics that did not distance from one another, like for instance, they were all mostly powerful or somewhat successful women, well, working women none the less, in their thirties or early forties, juggling their professional and personal lives in the big city, wherever that may be, and facing very common issues, like relationships, family, friends and work, but always in control of their own lives.

All of a sudden it dawned on me: Are we on a quest to find the next Carrie Bradshaw? And is Sarah Jessica Parker ever going to be able to step out of this gigantic persona that Carrie Bradshaw has become? Will Sarah Jessica Parker ever be able to leave her Manolo Blahnik’s behind for something more comfortable?

The answer is a little more complicated than that, Carrie Bradshaw and Sarah Jessica Parker have molded into one in the mind of the audience, they in fact do live very similar lives if you don’t look too much into the details, and the press is quick to never show too much detail. Sarah Jessica Parker will forever be remembered as Carrie Bradshaw, an independent woman in the big apple, who dreamed big and made it happen in her own terms, she is the Mary Tyler Moore of our generation, but much more, she is a style icon, both in and outside the screens, she defines what women in our era should be like. But not only women, as some issues flow in the same direction for both men and women. The approach to life for Carrie is so current and in fact timeless, that anyone can identify, all those dreams and aspirations are splattered in the screen for anyone who cares to identify with them, and we all did.

See, Sarah Jessica Parker has a family of her own, a successful career not only as an actress, but also as a producer and a business woman; she has her own fragrance, she makes endorsements and works on charity around the clock – or at least we are told so; Ms. Parker is a role model to all women, even if she isn't, and on top of it, she embraces her age and speaks proudly of it, she shows that women shouldn’t necessarily be afraid of that ticking biological clock, they should in fact work with it and make the best of their time while roaming the sidewalks of earth - and still, do it in style.

So yes, in fact we are all looking for the next Carrie Bradshaw, we want to feel inspired, we want to see that in television, as in real life, mistakes are common and have to be dealt with, we want to know that behind the glamour there can also be sorrow and imperfection, because that makes us believe that it is all attainable to anyone, as long as we work really hard for it. 

But while we wait for our next screen-sized hero, why not keep an eye out for the real life Carrie Bradshaws out there and feel just as inspired? Because Ms. Parker for instance, has truly made it little more possible to all of us, men and women, and in her latest movie she could not be more appropriate and lovely, a woman at the top of her game, like herself; and so the question that remains is: how does she do it after all?

Naomi Preizler

HERE is a link to something I wrote on one of my favorite new models for LookBooks.com - have a read! :)

Agent Provocateur: Elite's Gabriel Rocha on Naomi Preizler

Naomi Preizler (Elite) is much more than just a pretty face and a GREAT runway girl. She is a true artist who paints and draws likes nobody’s business, and has a great understanding of art and fashion, which for me is an extremely important factor in a model’s career.

Unquestionably a rising talent in our industry, just the other week Naomi shot single-girl editorials for Vogue Russia and L’Officiel in different parts of the world. Her previous bookings include  a cover of Vogue Italia Gioiello; editorials for V Spain, V, Interview, Muse, Dazed & Confused, Wonderland, and Zoo; and features in i-D and Metal.

Naomi was also featured on the cover of the first issue of Harper’s Bazaar Argentina, her native country, where she is also currently working on a line of t-shirts with prints from her paintings.

Naomi has walked the runways of Givenchy, Chanel, Sonia Rykiel, Jean Paul Gaultier, Richard Chai, Rag & Bone, Missoni, Vivienne Westwood, House of Holland, among many others; and has been shot by photographers like Mario Sorrenti, Sharif Hamza and Vicky Trombetta (2DM).

For more on Naomi and Gabriel: Naomi's Twitter | Gabriel's Twitter -- Blog

Will I end up in a Flea Market?

In my home, wherever that may be, as I change addresses and even cities and countries every so often, I have a tradition, and that is to fill it with objects that have a story to tell. Of course, like any other human being, I can’t shy from the brand new store bought objects, a nice couch is paramount to the life of any good living room, it’s that place where you can throw yourself among friends for a good talk over night or where you find the embrace of your lover to doze off in the middle of watching a movie in a rainy Saturday afternoon. But aside from the couch, the bed and maybe a bookshelf or a chair here and there, most of my belongings will come from flea markets and vintage shops.

In my home I like to incorporate to my books and art on the walls, objects that come from special places, pieces that were inherited from my family and tell part of my own background, as well as items I found while making my own story.

In one of my recent trips to London, while walking down Portobello Road amongst old door knobs, tea cups, rugs, porcelain dogs, boxes full of keys to mysterious doors, beautiful and questionable paintings and the occasional raw fish stand sided by pig ears and a man who carried his dog on his shoulders, I found a weird shaped vase, it was, as a matter of fact, a bottle, and there really wouldn’t be much use for it, especially because its lid was missing, but I fell in love with it, I saw potential in that poor orphaned object, so I bought it.

With the bottle in hand, a feeling of accomplishment washed over me, I had made that entire trip worthwhile, I had just acquired a “token” from Notting Hill, the neighborhood that was the lead character in the movie that goes by the same name and that for years inhabited my subconscious as this magical little village hidden in a corner of London.

On my walk back from the depths of that street fair I observed with less attention to the objects but more focus on the bigger picture; listening to the dialogues of the neighborhood woman complaining about her health to the newspaper man while taking a drag from her cigarette, the little kid strolling around while eating her morning croissant with the importance of a 35 year-old walking to her office, the policemen fighting with the unloading trucks that blocked the roads.

 This was part of what made that bottle so special, I pictured in which of those houses it used to live in, where it was originally bought, maybe in a street fair in Morocco or a glass store in Venice?  Was it a gift to newlyweds or maybe something passed along from mother to son, to daughter? That walk made me remember what makes my home a home to me, and that is just that, the reunion of all those moments into one place, memories that live in objects that are carefully placed in shelves and corners of my apartments.

The apartment in itself is unimportant, it’s just a box, but what I make with it is what makes all the difference. Most of the objects I add to my home will probably never leave it, they will move with me, from, address to address, adding to their own history and to theirs my own, but what happens after I die? Will I end up in a flea market?

That feeling of abandonment and loneliness came over and for once I put myself in the place of all those objects left to the roadside in London and so many of the flea markets and junk yards around the world, but I quickly had to come back, because that is not my place to be, I will be in a junk yard of my own and that won’t matter, like the objects left behind by previous owners, I will go on to seek solace elsewhere and history will continue to unfold around me, in this never ending tale that is life.

Now, that bottle, remember? The one with no lid bought in Notting Hill? For now it sits next to my television holding a beautiful dried white rose, and I was right, it made perfect sense to buy it and every time I look at it my heart fills up with joy.

Art to be Lived

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, a fashion editor for an Italian magazine; it was one of those conversations that happen very unexpectedly in the middle of a hectic week of work somewhere in Europe. We were talking about our lives, how fortunate we are to be able to be globetrotting across the planet with our jobs and getting in touch with different cultures and experiencing so many different lives in one lifetime, to be seeing things that we used to see in text books in school or in our parents art books. We spoke of our different backgrounds and the places we now live in and the places we see ourselves living in, in the future; we decided we are in did searching for a feeling of a well lived life, which in fact we already have, given our young age.

But this talk was more in terms of where would we establish ourselves, where we saw ourselves spending our old age, how our life would be, what we would become from here on? Well, of course no precise answer could come out of this conversation, but we do know what we are looking for.

For anyone who has seen the movie "I Am Love" I am sure the house in which the characters lived in was in fact a character on its own, possible the most impressive character of the movie. The house where they lived in, in Milan, had its own character, which was a combination of years of experience, years of traveling, years of knowledge accumulated in those rooms. The appreciation for art and architecture that breathes through the walls, the knowledge of fashion present in its inhabitants, the admiration for food and the impact of its flavors and also how they could change a mood with a single bite.

The house in that movie is a character on its own because it has been lived in, it has felt the love, the laughter and the sorrow of one or many families, it has seen birthdays and funerals, it has seen engagement parties and celebrations of all sorts; it looks perfect from the distance but from up close you can see the floorboards are scratched, the curtains have stains and the windows may have cracks. Like a person, a house is allowed to live and accumulate treasures, like we accumulate shoes, watches, stamps or even a rose from a lover that we keep in secrecy. The house in “I Am Love” is a character on its own because it is in fact a well lived house, it’s quite possibly one of Milan’s most famous properties, called Villa Necchi Campiglio, at Via Mozart, today a cultural institution open for visitors and kept as it was when their owners lived there.

During this conversation with my friend it then hit me, through something she said, that art is not meant to be hanging from the cold walls of museums, but in houses and apartments, where it can be shared with friends and family, where it can be admired and treated with love, like we would a plant or animal. Art was made to live with people and witness their lives, and be accumulated by their homes, not to be left alone in a cold room alongside other abandoned and marketed pieces of art.

 Even though I am thankful for the museums and galleries, for their existence and for allowing me to see some of the most beautiful and enticing works created by men, I would adore if more of these museums could be like Villa Necchi or The Frick Collection are, houses that have been lived in and were left untouched for the appreciation of the people. Every time I visit one of these stunning places I ask myself how their lives must have been and I can't help but wonder what it feels like to be able to work there every day. The Pierpont Morgan Library in New York for example is to me one of the most remarkable places I ever visited in my life, there it is, the house and life’s work of a man completely devoted to collecting art, books and obviously money, but that last bit is irrelevant in this case.

Really impressive, and on another side of the spectrum, was visiting the Frida Khalo museum in Mexico City, because that's the place where she loved, bled, and created some of the most beautiful and relevant works of art seen by men. In that house, Frida and Diego accumulated art by other artists, their own art, books, animals and all sorts of memories, The Frida Khalo Museum was to me the epitome of the museum home, every room spoke to me, it’s almost as if she was there, walking around in her beautiful garden or flipping through one of her many art books; to be able to see with my own eyes how that amazing artist lived her life and which books she read and how she kept her house was a phenomenal and unique experience.

While in Milan I had the opportunity to also visit the Boschi Di Stefano apartment as well, and these two were very affluent Milanese artists who acquired more than two thousand pieces of art during their life together, and by art I mean all types; from paintings to sculpture, from furniture to chandeliers, it's all in there for the curious visitor to see, for free.

It warms my heart to know that someone would leave their entire patrimony to the city, to the memory of the world, to improve the lives of those who follow them. To visit a place like this, that always existed for the love of art, is a blessing, and even though museums were created and exist to preserve art and were born precisely from the love for art, they haven't been lived in, they haven't had a chance in life, they are these boxes, time capsules, in which we keep our memories related to art and can access them whenever possible. It doesn’t seem fair to me, but it sure is great to have them in such an organized manner.

I have always had this fear in life, of where I would end up, what would become of me, then that turned into a fear of what would be done with my belongings, who, of the people I know, would appreciate having some of the paintings I now own and would care for it as much as I do? Well, that all is gone now, it is not important what happens to my belongings after I pass, I will not be around to see it, but I still definitely hope for the best and that the art I own feels just as proud and happy for the life they were able to live while they were living with me as I am proud to have them around me.

Why I Cry Today

I was sitting in a class of physics when someone received a text message saying that the World Trade Center had been attacked. I remember i was planning a trip to Los Angeles with one of my best friends instead of paying attention to class; we couldn't believe it, all of us rushed down to the tv at the cafeteria in a state of shock, absolute shock, what was going on? How was that possible? What was happening in the world? Still to this day i can't make any sense of it, i don't think anyone ever will.

I remember the feelings i felt, i remember having a classmate whos father worked in one of the towers, i remember his despair staring at the tv screen without understanding; i remember the common feeling we all had for him and his family, we wanted them to be well. His father was there, but he survived. I have never seen that kid again, but my heart was with him then and is with him now, because to go through the agony he must have gone through is unimaginable.

It's unimaginable for me to think that one human being is capable of willingly do a thing such as flying an airplane into a building. We are human beings, not animals; or are we? What is this desire to kill and destroy that some of us have? Where does it come from? Why is it necessary to fight over differences?

Today is the tenth anniversary of september eleven, a day that will never be forgotten, a day that will enter history books and a day that i witnessed and still can't understand. At all. Every year my thoughts wander away into the void left by those who died, i try to piece it together and today, since the moment i woke up, i cried, because i can't understand, because the fear is tangible, because the feeling of abandonment from reason is real. To me it feels like a wound that is constantly open and band-aided, and even though i wasn't in that situation i witnessed with the entire world, and feelings sometimes travel faster than light and sound, and this feeling lives in my heart, there is no denying.

Every year i think of why would any person chose to kill over their beliefs? Can't things be solved peacefuly? It's even scarier to think that people celebrated the deaths of thousands somewhere in the world, that other human beings were gloating over something so unhuman, so animal. Just like World War II, September eleven to me is irrationality to the extreme, it's madness, sheer brutality; and my heart aches for that, my tears roll down because i feel embarrassed as a human being, because i feel that with years and years of evolution we haven't been able to overcome our irrationalities and act like the geniuses i know we can be, instead, some of us choose to use this genius for destruction of our own selves.

Humans have massacred millions of other humans, enslaved other humans, destroyed the very ground they live in, it's total self-sabotaging, and that to me is uncomprehensible, because to me it's such a simple equation, it's as simple as 1+1=2. 

We don't think the same, we don't feel the same, we don't believe in the same Gods, we don't love the same, we don't pray the same, but we all want to live, we all want to be able to have peace of mind, we all want to be able to have a place to come to at night, a place to call home, and we want our homes to be safe and free of fear. It baffles me to think that human beings are capable of such violent acts against each other, it disappoints me profoundly to know that we can't live in peace, that we can't be trusted, that we have to keep looking over our shoulders or interpreting situations.

I felt the same way when i was in Berlin, that is one powerful place to be if you wanna feel floored by emotions, because the kind of prolonged pain those people had to be put through is beyond me, i have no words, and that to me is rare. We may be intelectual humans, but sometimes we act like savages.

Living in New York, a city filled and built by different cultures and beliefs, my feelings are amplified, because i know it can still work out for us all, look at this city, it's an example of resilience and survival, it is a multi cultural epicenter, it's a city that has all cultures, religions, languages, sounds, sexual orientations, everything and anything you can imagine is in here, and we all have learned to live together in respect, we have learned to listen to each other, we have learned to dialogue, we have learned to live in peace.

Now more than ever, my heart cries harder, because i wish the whole world could feel and experience what i feel and experience here everyday, i wish the whole world could have the kind of freedom i have living in New York city, a world of its own, a place where you are accepted for who you are, regardless of anything else. Someone did something right here at some point, and it works, because we understand each other, there is a sense of community like nowhere else, and we come together for each other and we make it work, because we believe it is possible to coexist with all our differences in one city, in peace.

New York did not cause the disaster of  9/11 but the disaster was brought upon this city, and what New York did was beautiful, because New York gathered its strength and rebuilt itself and its spirit, New York and its citizens, people from all around the globe, gathered as one and showed the world that it is possible to live together and make something better, and this is why i cry, because New York, one of the most important cities on earth is to me the clearest example of strength, freedom and peace, and that is what i cry for today.

Back in the day

I was at a deli getting something to eat and all of a sudden i heard Paula Cole's "I don't want to wait" playing in the radio. I swear to you, it sent me shivers, good ones; and it sent me straight back to my high school years, it sent me back to my feelings of awkwardness and discoveries, it sent me back, with some shame, to "Dawson's Creek". There were entire afternoons spent with my friends at handball or volleyball games, in some others we would gather at someone's house to talk sex and smoke cigarettes hidden from this someone's parents; it was super exciting and we were beyond cool in our silly little minds. I hadn't thought of those days for a long time, i hadn't reconnected to that feeling in years, and it felt so right and so good to be able to feel all of that without having to live that anxiety that i know filled all our hearts.

I don't wish i knew then what i know now, everything happened as it should and we had a ball. We laughed and cried with the same intensity and never blinked in front of an adventure, even if it meant suspension from school, because we knew that we had each other to fake our parents signatures and would be able to get away with almost anything. I am pretty sure our parents knew that too, but we were straight A students, so i guess it didn't matter too much. That feeling was so good, really remarkable, i couldn't stop thinking of the shows we used to watch, the gossip that used to flow through the halls of school, the principal that we absolutely could NOT stand and the little parties, called "The Best Party for Teenagers", which we thought was a real grown up thing to do; tens of thousands of kids would go and then come back home at midnight or so, it was a huge deal to all of us and we adored it, i guess no one was really paying ANY attention to the name of the party, really, i am positive we weren't, because we used to call it "The Best". Period.

I could not give up that feeling, immediately i snapped back to 2011 and turned to my Pandora Radio to create my very own "Paula Cole Radio". Oh gosh, "Where have all the cowboys gone" started playing and i could remember a series of other things connected to around that same time. I remembered that was the year Eric Clapton wanted to "Change the World" in the soundtrack of "Phenomenon", a not so great movie with John Travolta but a damn good song that got him a couple of Grammy's. Along the same lines, Jewel wanted to know who was going to save your soul in one of her biggest hits and Sheryl Crow i guess made everyone happy and nailed a bunch of awards too with her then current album.

1996 was a great year, Robert Redford and Michelle Pfeiffer got together for the sappy "Up Close & Personal", one of my all time favorite romantic movies, because it had a great love story intertwined with the career of the small town girl Tally Atwater who dreamed big and made it big as she always dreamt. Stockard Channing had a great role in that movie and the soundtrack threw Celine Dion to super stardom with the hit "Because you loved Me", we all remember that one, even if we don't want to. On tv we saw "Beverly Hills 90210" hit their very last season, but by that point no one really cared anymore, it was all about "Friends", "Ally McBeal", "That 70's Show", "Everybody Loves Raymond", "Mad About You", the ever classic "Married with Children" and the unforgettable "3rd Rock from the Sun". Now, that was a fun year for TV  and also the year we got to know many of the kids who are now Hollywood's biggest movie stars. Oh, let's not forget that in 1996 the show "Suddenly Susan" was on, and i know that was quite forgettable, but come on guys, the impeccable Kathy Griffin got to enter our homes every week and crack us up; and we can never thank that show enough for pushing Kathy to stardom.

In that year we were still reminiscing over the amazing gangsta-type-movies "Bad Boys" and "Dangerous Minds" and it was the year when the amazing The Fugees took home some awards and the world fell madly in love with Lauryn Hill; "Gangsta's Paradise" was going strong on the Billboard's charts, Tupac Shakur had two huge hits out but also took four in the chest in Las Vegas and left this earth to entertain some dudes in heaven; and us, well, we were all left with his great music in our memories. In 1996 we were also reminded of the death of another great one: Kurt Cobain; that was the year when Nirvana's Unplugged album won a Grammy for best alternative music and at that point that album had sold more than five million copies across the globe. It was definitely a good time for rock n' roll; Alanis Morisette released her "Jagged Little Pill" to the sound waves and became an instant hit, who could EVER forget her hits "Ironic" or "You Oughta Know" ? I also remember going crazy over Oasis and The Cranberries; not to mention the brand new No Doubt with their colorful videoclip in the height of the Mtv era, followed by Smashing Pumpkin's "1979"... Oh wow!

I also remember, around that same time, a very nasty and hard to forget hit song that could not stop being played anywhere, it was even in little stuffed animals when you pressed their paw, that nasty song would play, poor children, it was wherever you turned to: Macarena! What were those dance moves? And what were we thinking? We clearly had no filter. Well, obviously, that was also the year in which Shaquille O'Neal was allowed to make a movie, the stupid "Kazaam", and also the year when Demi Moore released the bombs "The Juror" and "Striptease", which to this day is still one of my favorite guilty pleasures. Speaking of which, remember how Ellen DeGeneres had her peak right around that time? She came out of the closet and her ratings came tumbling down while her public exposure went off the roof, the world wasn't ready for her genius but she surely saved my life; but not before joining Bill Pullman in the disastrous "Mr. Wrong". If Ellen wasn't such an amazing person and comedian we would not be able to forgive her for that slip! But hey, we all make mistakes, Mr. Pullman, who had just come from a series of big hits, including "Independence Day" in 1994 and "While you were sleeping" in 1995 will tell you, and so will his former co-star Sandra Bullock, who in that year joined america's heart throb Chris o'Donnell in the also disastrous "In Love and War"; i mean, did any of us really need such a piece of crap? I think not. We also didn't need "Two if by Sea" Mrs. Bullock, but whatever, i guess you can't always win right? Right! Because in that year there was enough room left in people's attention for the brilliant movie "Fargo" which was one of that year's favorites, alongside "The English Patient", which I NEVER get tired of watching with a trifecta of great acting: Ralph Fiennes, Juliette Binoche and Kristin Scott Thomas, well, Mr. Minghella, you made my year. That was also the awakening of a Hollywood icon: Leonardo DiCaprio had two huge hits, and was laureled by critics and audience in both "Romeo + Juliet" and "Marvin's Room", will we ever forget that? I think not.

Us teens had a great year, and so did the teen stars; Neve Campbell had her strongest year with "The Craft" and "Scream" and saw her career explode, for five minutes, but i bet it was great while it lasted, right Neve? Liv Tyler got cast in Tom Hanks's brilliant "That thing you do!" and stole our hearts yet again. You know who else stole our hearts? Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges in the ever so cute "The Mirror has two faces", that was quite the productive year for Mrs. Streisand who also had a hit song for this very movie with the also then top charter Bryan Adams. But for me, it was really Ed Burns who got all the attention, his movie "She's the One" will remain one of the all time classics in my movie library, i mean, that was sheer perfection, from cast to soundtrack, what an impeccable movie! Us teens also had the guilty pleasure of enjoying the iconic Spice Girls, oh boy, and we did! We performed Spice Girls songs in school plays and pretty much wherever we could, boys and girls were all in love with those english chicks, i mean, obsessively in love; no joke! What we weren't so in love though was Madonna's "Evita", oh gosh, what a bore! I mean, nowadays i really appreciate it, especially the outstanding costumes, but i guess it was too much controversy to our silly little brains, "Wannabe" was all we could handle!

Me on the other hand, i loved some brainiac movies, and my friends could absolutely NOT get me: "Basquiat"? what was that? "Sling Blade"? ugh, no! That was a few steps too far, and even movies like "Swingers" and "From Dusk til Dawn" were not for them, so i kept it to myself inside my darkened room in any given boring afternoon. With them i would watch "Twister" or "Daylight", and don't get me wrong, o LOVED those too, oh, completely and madly, i mean, i had a crush on Helen Hunt, how could i not?

We also laughed a lot, i mean a whole lot: "The First Wives Club" anyone? Another trifecta, a great punch line: "don't get mad, get everything!" and that scene with Diane Keaton having a nervous breakdown while they try to find incriminating papers in Brenda's ex husband's office was flawless, and so was Hugh Wilson's direction, oh my God, i can watch that movie over and over and over again and never get tired; in fact, i watched it last night! We also had the remake of "The Nutty Professor", and that was Eddie Murphy at his very best, i mean, very, very best! Thank you so much for that craziness Mr. Murphy! And even though this next one was only released a year later i will dare to include it in my memoir: "My Best Friend's Wedding" was being filmed in 1996 and then in the following year made us laugh and cry and caused quite a big scandal with its ending; we will never forget that!

Ninety six was a good year, but it's surrounding years were really good too, it was a time of discovery and enchantment, songs made us hurt but also filled us with joy, we thought that we would never be able to get over ourselves, we thought life would not reach the year 2000, the 90's seemed infinite, and we loved every second of it.

So, listening to "Paula Cole Radio" is like traveling in time and going back to a space where everything was possible, time went by very, very slow and we had the biggest hearts in the world, we definitely lived in the moment, in our little universe and i am pretty sure we were completely aware of it, with no regrets, at all, and now that i am able to look back and feel this happy about my teens, i can also relate to my mother and my father when they would blast the stereo listening to Janis Joplin, Led Zeppelin, John Lee Hooker, Rolling Stones or Supertramp and go on and on telling stories from the years when they would ride their motorcycles carelessly and free and hang out in the neighborhood with their friends all day, having one crazy adventure after the other. I can totally relate, it used to sound so far and weird to me, but at the same time quite fascinating and also somewhat brilliant, to see my mom crying as she listened to Janis and Zeppelin, there must have been something very intense going on right there in those songs, but that's for her to keep in her heart i guess, those stories were never shared, but i feel touched to have been able to witness moments like that and to have also had the privilege of growing up in such an eclectic environment.

This is what life is all about to me; live in the moment and make sure to store all your special times deep down in memory lane, you will never ever need a picture to go back to those places and feelings, because it all lies within yourself.

Life Gives You Lemons

Lately i have been caught in this feeling of powerlessness. Don't ask me why or how, i can't explain it, it is not a negative feeling, it is a very endearing one, where i feel that i have no power over life and that is fine. Lately i have been caught in talks of God, and don't ask me why, but i feel very much inclined to dive deep into those talks and examine what that means. Lately i have been caught in this feeling of gratefulness towards whatever comes to me, good or bad, if it is given to me i will take it; why not? My father always used to joke around about this concept: "if it's offered to you for free, even an injection on your forehead is OK." he said. Well, maybe i won't go that far, that sounds rather painful, but i would maybe have a look at all the factors surrounding that offer, for sure.

The reason for all these thoughts is quite unsure, in fact, there aren't any reasons,  these are overwhelming feelings that have been taking over me without asking for permission, and what i have decided to do, in a very smart move, is to let them all in, keep the ones that are of use and let the other ones go.

The talks of God have lead to great debates, with other people and myself; i have discovered that even though i have always welcomed the idea of God as a higher power that manages everything in the universe, i had never really put a lot of thought into it. Detach from the religious God and think about a power the  surrounds us, think about the energy that guides you every day; that to me is a representation of God. I myself don't necessarily call it God, i have been calling it higher power, "the force", destiny, fate, light, guide and ultimately, i have chosen to very broadly name it life.

This brings me back to powerlessness, because if God is the great manager of life, and in my broad concept is life itself, then really there is no point on trying to tame it. I have many mixed feelings towards God and life, but the general idea is the same, and that is that things will always sort themselves out as long as you allow yourself to be open and accept what is offered to you. Of course it is you who will make decisions to buy milk, start subscribing to a newspaper, go to the beach or stay inside and away from the sun, but what about those bigger things that come to you? What about the rain that falls unadvised, soaks you wet and gives you pneumonia? What about the train that was late today, of all days, and made you miss the most important meeting of your year and quite possibly your job? There is no answer or sense in any of these questions, these things just happen because they have to, and they happen to you because there must be some secret to be unveiled in your life, for life is a great mystery unfolding right before your eyes. Maybe you will lose your job because you have to find a new and greater one, or maybe you don't need a new one because you will discover that this is the golden opportunity to start painting and welcome a new path into your life.

I can choose to be healthy, go to the gym, eat the right food, be good to other people and pay my bills on time, but i cannot choose to be struck by lightning. Not that i want to. Think about this other concept: you are in a boat, seating alone, nothing around you, no instruments to guide or help you, and the boat just floats away. The boat is life. I know, it sounds stupid, but it is very basic and paints a good picture, because as you navigate through clear skies or the mists of Avalon you will continuously encounter new wonders, storms, fishes, birds and quite possibly other vessels, and that is just how life is; isn't that cool?

So, life gives you lemons and you make lemonade. What do you do if life gives you cancer? You treat it. It is very simple, the surrounding complications in most situations are created by ourselves, we can choose to bitch and moan, we can choose to be sad and depressed, but we can also choose to navigate through this heavy weight that is cancer with serenity and grace, we can choose to be positive and believe that we are strong enough to beat it. Most importantly we can choose to be grateful to have this opportunity to show strength to ourselves and learn to fight even harder. Of course there will be difficult days, days you question yourself and your strength, but if you keep that positive energy then those doubtful and negative days will be less frequent than in most cases.

All things that cross our path have a meaning and a reason to exist and all we should do is be grateful for another opportunity to learn and connect to something new, or maybe even something that is old and buried deep in the past.

This brings me back to the top; if God is life and life is the great manager, than just learn to gracefully accept life as it unfolds before your soul, enjoy the ride and remember to thank life for your day before you go to sleep and everything will be OK, it always is.

WEAR SUNSCREEN by Baz Luhrman

Hey dearests,
i will take some room in my blog to share words that aren't mine, but were originated from the brilliant mind of Baz Luhrman, who i deeply admire.

I share his words and have this to say to you dear reader: wear sunscreen.
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Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…
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Juxtapositions and the City

The other day i was very much in the mood for a romantic comedy, one of those very silly ones, that require very little use of the brain, so i reached for my "binder" in which i keep my movie collection and picked "Two Weeks Notice", with Sandra Bullock - who i love - and Hugh Grant - who i don't love but like very much, particularly in this movie. As the movie goes by, one specific scene took me back to a thought i had stuck in my head once while traveling through the countryside of Australia, and one which was never really a stranger to me, for whenever i am flying or even more so when the airplane is approaching its destination, i catch myself lost staring out the window, but never had i realized why, until these two moments came along; first in Australia, and then watching "Two Weeks Notice".

That specific scene in the movie, in which Sandra and Hugh are in a helicopter approaching Manhattan, was what specifically awoke me to that thought that always kept ringing in the back of my head; and that is of an uncontrollable admiration for the image that is created by the view of the city from the distance and these multiple angles created by an airplane as it is descending towards the ground, the beautiful juxtaposition created by different colors, shades, scenery and aspects.

I believe what caught my attention in that scene and made me think of it was the fact that this movie was the first movie entirely shot in New York after "September 11", I remember very vividly that Mayor Giuliani had a special ceremony to thank the entire crew, studio and producers for bringing life and entertainment back into the city. So this scene, in this movie, was particularly important, because it showed for the first time in the big screen, New York city's new sky line, without the World Trade Center twin towers, and it showed that skyline so beautifully and naturally that it made the city look just as alive as it was when those towers were there, standing tall and strong. It is a very quick and simple scene, but it is an important one, it was especially back then, and it showed that life goes on and there can still be beauty in the world.

Now, here is where i really wanted to get to: The juxtaposition. Juxtaposition is a great word on its own, but its meaning is even better, because it offers you the opportunity to look at things in a different light. I remember while driving through the Blue Mountains outside Sydney, of how many different shapes and colors that place had, how beautiful it was to see the shades of green going from the deep valleys to the high peeks of the mountains turning into a blue-ish green in the far layers of hills in the back to then mesh against the brightest and most majestic blue sky i have ever seen in my life, going for miles without having hardly any clouds. It was one of the most beautiful and inspiring things i have ever seen in my life, it was like the mountains sang to me. I also remember though, that when i was arriving back in New York i felt a crazy rush of emotions as i saw the overlapping of the skyscrapers against the river, given a certain angle, and then against the baby blue sky filled with beautifully spread and shiny white clouds, clouds that fit that scenery in perfection.

If you observe really carefully, the city offers so many different types of juxtaposition that you could go crazy. I can observe the layers of buildings, concrete, glass and metal for hours and never get tired; its different shapes and colors, the way the materials reflect one another, how some of the colors go really well together or even how they fail miserably by being side by side. A few years ago, in one of my first trips to New York i went to see a friend's apartment, at the time she lived in a great place at Park Avenue and in one of the balcony's i was floored by what i saw: building after building, behind building and on top of building, not an inch of anything else, no sky, no room for a view, the view was just that, the juxtaposition of the city, you could only see the sky if you looked up, and even then, it would be in a very limited space. That sight, that many people could consider horrendous, i considered beautiful, an invitation to the imagination, and so i took pictures. They weren't the most beautiful buildings, but they went very well together.

There is a Brazilian photographer, Bob Wolfenson, who has taken a series of photographs of just that, the city overlapping itself, the juxtaposition of São Paulo, a city at least twice as big and as populated as New York, and one that offers the same kind of feeling. Bob's work was brilliantly shown in an exhibit that pushed the at times confusing images to their maximum potency and made your eyes blink and focus in confusion and despair, trying to figure out which was what and how could that make any sense. To me, that kind of sensibility and ability to look at something that could be so ugly and turn it into a piece of art that is so overwhelming that makes you change your outlook to life and start admiring every little piece of your day, is a very special gift. Bob did not reinvent the wheel, he simply showed to the viewer another perspective, his perspective on the madness of the city, He showed us that we may be lonely, but we are never alone, most importantly, He showed us that we may be caged in a concrete jungle but we also can be free from it if we allow ourselves to think freely.

In a not so claustrophobic way, there is also the overlapping of the clouds, which when you are in luck and paying enough attention, can also be something quite beautiful. I many times catch myself staring outside the airplane window for hours, because a vastitude of the clouds can be quite an impressive thing too. Clouds go so high and so deep that they almost seem like discolored mountains, grand and pompous, almost like the Blue Mountains of Australia, but with a more heavenly feel. The clouds at times you can see going endlessly for miles, and it looks almost as if you could hop out of the airplane and walk on them.

From above or below juxtaposition is a word that i have welcomed into my life, as it opened my eyes to a much greater world to live in, one where the beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

Ambitions

I remember, when i was twelve years old that the only dream i had was to move to Hollywood and work in the movie industry. I remember following absolutely everything that was Hollywood related; i would buy magazines like Premiere and the long deceased Movieline and eat them up. Vogue, Allure, In Style and Rolling Stone were constant as well, but my only interest in them was their movie content. I wanted to know all about the movies; the directors, the studios, how the movies were made, what the stars thought about their jobs and how they lived their lives. During awards season, all my friends would come to me for information, i loved it, that was definitely the one time of the year when i was the center of attention in my microcosms in the deep south of Brazil. My wildest dream was to have a job in Hollywood, live a good life in a beautiful home, not a mansion, and at least once go to the academy awards. Oh, and let's not forget the most important part: i wanted to live with peace of mind.

I remember that even though i was physically extremely far from the hurlyburly of Hollywood, it seemed very close and possible to me, i never hid from anyone my intentions to leave my country and pursue a life in the United States. Fast forward more than a decade and i have achieved pretty much all my dreams and i could not be happier. What happened though, and that i hadn't expected, was an overwhelming amount of twisted crazy ambitions along the way, ambitions that went overboard and drove me completely off course and made me forget about what i really wanted in life, and above all, it made me forget to be grateful for all the amazing things that i have achieved so far.

What i realized and was so baffled by the other day was that along my path to get where i am, other ambitions came up along the way, they made me lose focus of where i really wanted to get to in my life, they made me disconnect from the person i really aspired to be and the life i wanted to lead. This i realized, is not such a rare phenomenon, i see it in several of my friends and people who surround me, especially in my industry; we work so hard and we are so ambitious that we completely forget why we are doing so and putting ourselves through it all. What are we trying to prove and to whom?

The path that should be filled with joy and happy accomplishments ends up becoming a resentful and stressful dark brick road; no more red tapping shoes for you Dorothy! The reason why it happens in my perspective is mostly because of this extremely competitive world, in which to achieve a position or get a job, we need to meet certain people, act a certain way, dress head to toe in a certain fashion and dazzle people with our powers; be it what it is: charm, ego, anger, relentlessness; you have to use your powers to the maximum levels. What happens here is that we have to achieve so many things and walk so many different paths to get to a certain place, that it is easy to get lost in the maze. Life is a maze, and to get to the core and find the way back what you really need to do is search for peace of mind, serenity, patience and above all, hand your fate over to destiny, or god, or whatever you want to call it; because no matter what happens, the outcome is not necessarily in your hands, and in the maze of life it is extremely important to find the way back to where you began.

I realized, finally, that i have achieved pretty much everything i always wanted, and that whatever comes my way from here on is a bonus, i realized, finally, that i don't need to struggle to get anywhere, all i have to do now is navigate to whatever life is handing me. Some people may not be as fortunate as i am right now, and many people are just as much or even more and don't even realize it, not even when they are told, but i certainly hope that everyone gets to walk to this direction, because i know that everyone is more than able to.

I still don't own the home i always dreamed of, or have the job in the movie industry, but i was able to reconnect with that twelve year old kid, and i was able to feel what i felt back then, and to realize that things don't come out exactly the way we want them to, but the general feeling that surrounds our dream, our idea of a dream, is what we should aim to achieve, and i got that. I can safely say today that i am genuinely happy and satisfied. Whatever comes my way from here on will be a great bonus; and who's to say i won't be able to get  the home i always dreamed of? A house overlooking the water, with lots of whites and browns, a bedroom with a gorgeous bay window where i can sit on and watch the waves crashing against the shore, a gorgeous wood and white marble kitchen with two dogs, a cat and my best friends and family sitting around a fireplace in the winter or out in the garden in the summer, having a great talk and drinking lemonade; that's my home, that is where my heart is, and i already have that; in different proportions and places, but i have that feeling inside my heart and that is all that matters.

There is no ambition that should be greater than the feeling of accomplishment inside your own heart, there is no outside factor that should matter more than what you feel inside, there is no notion presented by the outside world and people around you that should change how you feel and how you live your life. If your heart is filled with love, than why should you keep on struggling to get somewhere else? Just go where life takes you and accept all that is handed to you, with the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful and enjoy the ride, cause it's a great one!

See me in the Morning

I remember up until a couple of months ago I would always tell anyone who wanted to hear that I was not a morning person, I was in fact a person of the night, an owl really, looking for fun, food and someone to "mate" with. The night was my zone, I knew all about it, I knew how to be and where to be, no matter where in the world it was.

I always felt terrible about the morning, I guess as a reflection from my childhood, because I remember having to wake up really early to be taken to my grandparents house as my parents had to leave for work, so my day always started at a very early 6am, at the most. I never got a break, it never stopped being like that, the mornings in fact only became more challenging, and so I developed a pattern, of dreading the mornings and being very lazy and/or angry about having to wake up, either to be dropped at my grandparents house, or to go to swimming classes, or school, or work; the morning had always been a huge pain. The evening however was always fun, the family would all be together, watch movies, eat around the dinner table and always have something to share, and as i grew up it continued to be better: parties with school mates, sleep overs, going to clubs, getting drunk and feeling on top of the world.

Well, I don't know if i have really become a grown up now, or if being a grown up actually has anything to do with it, but things have shifted a little bit. I no longer long for the night and dread the morning, I've been loving and admiring the morning just as much as I would the night. Living in New York particularly, I have realized that there is a certain time, usually around dawn in the winter and right after it in the summer when the city is particularly quiet and serene. I don't know how many people have taken the time and had the opportunity to do this, but follow my advice; take a stroll through New York between 6:30am and 7:30am; you will see and feel the city like never before.

Because night life pretty much dies at 4am and the day life usually starts after 8:30am, there is this window of time, where everything has been cleaned and rearranged for the next day, when the city is just waiting for the next day to begin, and everything is perfectly quiet and in place. Union Square feels like an empty movie set, impeccable, Madison Square Park and its beautiful foliage seems proud of existing, the streets of Greenwich Village have an inexplicable glow and midtown, more precisely Times Square, looks like a postcard picture, minus the people, the smell of garbage, street kebabs and the noisy traffic.

In fact, during the "limbo-hour", as i like to call it, the entire city probably lives its quieter moment in the day. All deliveries have been made, there are no trucks roaming around, all store fronts are still closed, people are still getting ready for work, and there are usually no work shifts beginning at this hour, so you will only see the occasional person going from point A to B because there is a place to be, or the occasional jogger. In the summer, limbo-hour is particularly special, the day has this beautiful natural light that almost seems fake, and the heat is gentle, followed by a warm-nearly-cool breeze that caresses the skin. Walking calmly and observing the scenery is not only a possibility but a true requirement at this time of day.

Don't get me wrong now, i haven't turned my back against the night, i still enjoy it very much, and i would say it's one of the most exciting and alive times for any city, especially New York, that's when everyone is out of work, meeting friends, having drinks, extending the happy hour into a night out at the clubs and maybe hitting two or three clubs in the same evening. At night is also a great time to walk around and see the city in a different light, you get to observe things that you usually wouldn't in the rush of day to day life, the lights are bright and beautiful and no matter what time of the year in New York, the nights are always festive. The holiday season though is when the New York night truly shines, the Christmas lights are out, the ice skating rinks are open and there is a happy glow wherever you look at, especially if the streets are white with snow.

So, what has happened to me i believe, is a simple shift in my heart, i started to admire and love the mornings just as much as i love the nights, and to find balance i have chosen to cut my nights short and add some hours to the morning; instead of sleeping in, i now wake up earlier, take a walk, read the newspaper and try to get to my day earlier, so that hopefully i can also have it finished earlier to enjoy more of the night. And it all comes full circle. It's a great trade off and i still get to stay away from the afternoons, and that is an entire different issue, but let's not get there just yet, i am still in my early love affair with the morning after all, i'm honey-mooning.

Have a good day.

Accepting Life

All my life i was in control. Or so i thought. The bills got paid on the 5th of each month, religiously; i had lists for everything that had to be done; i got late to work every day, but never more than fifteen minutes, because i knew i would get off work at least one hour late. I always had my schedule in order and even when i overbooked myself for dinner or lunch i would always find a way to graciously adjust and make everyone feel like they were the only ones in my schedule, even if that meant having dinner twice in one evening.

My family was kept in a shelf aside and in order, whatever issues needed to be addressed would be addressed and nothing would touch them and no one needed to be dragged into it, it just made it all more simple and organized, after all, all of them already have too many opinions about themselves, the last thing i needed was outsiders barging in with their own thoughts. My childhood friends always held a special wing of my heart and i had a very meticulous system for keeping in touch with all of them and making sure they were all in the loop of whatever was going on in  my life. My professional life went full throttle, and without stomping over anyone i managed to move up and move fast. My love life on the other hand didn't matter too much, even though i loved to think it did; but it was never a major focus of my day and didn't mean much, as i preferred to focus on other things, after all, who needs a commited relationship at twenty three years of age anyway? Time and fate would take care of that one thing for me eventually, as long as everything else was under control, love would find its way into my heart.

Well, the obsession with control was the only thing out of order, and i never relized that. My insistence on always keeping things organized and making lists and trying to not come off as if i were obsessing too much about everything, rather than just letting life carry its sweet course, started to drive me crazy. The minute one thing got done, it was then time to move on to the next, and to find all the answers to all the questions at once and immediately was a must. Well, it wasn't acceptable to me that i would start working on a project today and then have to wait another six months or a year to start seeing any results. No, results had to be immediate, and by the moment i touched something it had to turn into gold, otherwise it was rotten, or even worse, people could think i was rotten, and that i would absolutely not accept!

Well, here we are, in this fast-paced new millennium, and i am a product of all the technological advances and the quest to have more and be perfect. Well, guess what, the times may have changed, technology may have advanced, but there are some very simple and basic things that haven't. Instant gratification still isn't the answer to any of our problems, immediate results hardly ever exist and can never be trusted and anxiety only gets in the way. What's the point of rushing through life and trying to run away from the obstacles and the emotions if that is precisely what life is all about? Isn't that how we learn and evolve? When did the world stopped having twenty four hours that we can't even find the time to live on trial and error anymore?

While watching Woody Allen's new movie, "Midnight in Paris", i realized that the constant search for something different than what those characters had was also my own, and in those characters i saw myself for a moment, because i had finally realized a couple of weeks ago that i had to learn to accept my life as it is, with its ups and downs and all the feelings packed into it. Acceptance is key. Just like Owen Wilson's character learned that he had to embrace life instead of simply choosing the easiest path, i had realized the same thing a couple weeks back, and when i did it hit me like a bullet train.

I have now started to understand that we need to take it all in, the easy way around things is most of the times not the best way to go, because eventually it will come back to haunt us, as it always does. i don't know the answers to all the questions, but i know that with some patience and hard work i will be able to find the tools within myself to solve the puzzle and move on to some more complicated and bigger one. Being in control of life is impossible, because life is in control of me, and the more i try to make it change, the more it will hit me in the head to show me the fool that i am.

It's not like i have become the Dalai Lama all of a sudden, but to understand this tiny little thing has changed my perspective about it all and made me a much more relaxed person. To accept that life sometimes moves in mysterious - and at times annoying - ways has been the most liberating experience i have ever been through, and I hope it sticks with me.